Checking in once again...

   Hello once again.  I know that I have been horrible about keeping up with posting here.  It seems to be a trend with me and I wish it was not so.  I have been MIA for multiple reasons.  I wish I could say that it is because we have just been extremely busy (which we have been).  I wish I could say it is because Fibromylagia has been kicking my behind (yep, it has).  But the truth is that our family suffered another loss with the death of my Uncle Ed, and it hit me hard, harder than I thought it would. 

   My Uncle Ed was so much fun, and I enjoyed many moments of intense laughter, the kind that makes your stomach hurt, with this dear man. He was an outdoorsman and took his family camping for a good portion of each Summer while his sons were growing up.  He helped them learn about the flora of the 48 lower states as they visited each and every one.  They also visited Canada from what I remember.  He was one of my dad's close friends in college and it was through my dad they he met my Aunt Lucy, my mom's sister.  Love bloomed and they got married and had 2 sons, my cousins Mark and Tim.  As Jeff and I grew our own family years later, they would stop and see us at our home, or we would meet them at my parent's place in Montana.  My boys got to know them and Josh especially became close with them and with my cousin Tim.  It was wonderful watching my own kids and my grandkids getting to know my aunt and uncle.  He was such a special person to me and to them.

   This week I had every intention of getting a bunch of things done and then I got a message that another friend died.  Randy was a sweat soul who I have such fond memories of.  He was one of my little brothers through the fraternity where I was a Little Sister.  I was also close with his older brothers Chris and Kevin.  The last time I saw Randy was at one of my best friend's husband's funeral last year.  It threw me for another loop and bam...huge fibro flare.  I know I am at that age where friends and family are passing away, but man, this has been a hard year and a half for our family.  

   Jeff is in physical therapy and going twice a week.  He is doing really well and making great progress.  His range of motion is coming back quicker than we thought it would.  He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, along with his physical therapy and he is hoping he can get the go ahead to be able to return to work starting in August.  He has already spoken to his boss who has agreed to let him work 2 days a week instead of 2 one week and 3 the next.  This will allow him to continue physical therapy if needed.  I am hoping he will be done by then because his health insurance is not covering any of it and it is expensive!  Oh, our Rachel also had her knee surgery and is now home recovering.  There have been some rough moments for her with this recovery, and I would really appreciate your prayer for both her and Jeff.  Thank you!

   Anyway, we will keep plugging along and then getting the medical bills, along with some other things needed before Fall paid off.  We have one more rough month financially before my Social Security kicks in now that I am 62.  We are working on projects around the house and harvesting things from the garden.  I am trying to be mindful of what we have in our gardens, freezer, fridge and pantry and not waste anything while being creative with meals.  Some days I am better at it than others. ;)

   

The Final Goodbye and Family Coming Together

 

   This past weekend, family started to come into town for the final goodbye service for my husband's parents and also to scatter the ashes of his Aunt Helen, whom we were so blessed to have in our lives for the last chapter of her life.  Jeff's cousin Mike, his wife Felica and their son Jacob, along with their foster baby girl got her first.  Jeff and I had dinner and then went back to their hotel to visit on Saturday night.  We had a wonderful time with them and I got lots of baby snuggle time. :)  Sunday late afternoon, Josh arrived at our son Chris' home where he spent the night.  We did not see him until the following day because we were really encouraging him to spend time with his brothers.  We had seen him down in Utah a couple of months ago, but it had been awhile since he saw his brothers.  He spent that Monday night with Jaysn and Rachel.  All of the grandboys loved being able to play with their "funcle" (fun uncle) again. ;)  Then early Tuesday, he was off again on a 10-hour motorcycle ride back down to Utah.  Jeff's Aunt Jane and cousin Steve arrived Monday morning for the services.  It was lovely to see them again and we were able to catch up. We had breakfast with them Tuesday before they left to return to the coast and it was very nice.

   Monday's service for Jeff's parents, a later his aunt, was a hot one.  The temperatures were in the low to mid 90's and a lot of us ended up getting sunburned.  Jeff's sister planned the service and luckily her hubby Matt put up a nice shade tent for us.  There were so many of us there though that not everyone fit under it.  Our boys made sure that Jeff and I, along with Bradley and Isaiah and the baby were under the tent.  Bradley and Isaiah took turns holding the baby at the service and I think it helped distract them a bit.  Our niece Ella was there, and we had a really nice visit with her and with Matt.  Jeff's Aunt Jane was having a rough time since she was the last survivor out of her siblings.  Monday she was saying the final goodbye to both her sisters and to her brother-in-law. Jeff's older brother did not come down for either service.  He had his own reasons, and we will just leave it at that. Jeff's parents' ashes were buried in the Gilbertson family plot.  The service itself was short and all of us, with the exception of Jeff's sister, BIL and our niece Ella, headed up the mountain to spread Aunt Helen's ashes, as she has wanted done.

   Jeff's maternal grandparents had their ashes spread years ago up on Moscow Mountain overlooking the beautiful rolling hills of the Palouse.  Aunt Helen had told us that is where she wanted her ashes to be also.  Chris picked out a place that had a gorgeous vista of the Palouse, including being able to see our little town off in the distance.  Chris scattered the ashes as Felica documented the exact spot where Helen's ashes were. Aunt Jane wanted her ashes scattered in the same spot, so she could be with her baby sister and her parents, up on the mountain. Jeff was not able to scatter the ashes because he had knee surgery 2 1/2 weeks prior and is still in a brace holding his knee in place.  After we were done, we headed back down the mountain and to Jaysn and Rachel's home.  Jeff and I bought pizza for everyone and Jaysn and Rachel provided sodas and seltzers.  We all had some much needed family time and Aunt Jane loved seeing our boys and being able to visit with them.  Us girls had a great time visiting and so did the guys.  Bradley, Isaiah, Steven and Jacob played video games and it was so nice to see the younger cousins all together and becoming friends.  As everyone started leaving, we hugged each other tight, said I love You's and even made some future plans together.  The hardest goodbye was hugging Josh and knowing that it could be the last shared hug if he has to deploy early.  With the way that things are going in the Middle East, that could come soon, and my momma's heart is not handling it well.  He has been there before, but not in the direct danger zone.  This time he very well might be.

   Jeff and I still remain exhausted from it all.  Emotionally, it was hard in some ways, but then wonderful in others.  Spending time with Jeff's Aunt Jane, cousins Mike and Felica, and Steve, along with Jacob and the baby, and off course all our kids and the three oldest grandkids, was very sweet.  I think Jeff really needs his cousins, whom he has a good relationship with, as do I.  He and his siblings are not in each other's lives and that seems to be a mutual agreement at this point.  Jeff is very much loved by his aunt, cousins, our kids, grandkids and my side of the family.  My brothers love their "big brother", and my parents consider him their own son.  My aunts, uncles and cousins all love him too.  What can I say, my husband is a very kind, compassionate, caring and loving man who would do anything for those he loves.  I think I will keep him. ;)

   

   

   

   

   

Thoughts, Thrifting and the Start of Healing

 

   Yes, I am finally popping my head back into my sweet blog.  It seems that this blog has been a long journey of emotions for 13 years now.  There have been such highs as we added our beautiful girls to our family and were blessed with 5 amazing, funny, smart and loving grandchildren.  If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you already know what the lows are and how that took a huge toll emotionally and even financially on our family and health-wise also for me. Throughout it all, our kid, grandkids, my brother Fritz and my parents grew even closer.  We were so blessed to have had my sister come for a visit several years ago, which meant everything to both she and I.  Now that she is battling cancer once more, it means even more to us.  We have strengthened our relationship and she has been blessed with a beautiful daughter who married into her family and a adorable granddaughter of her own.  She is now experiencing the same joy that I have been for all these years.  Grandchildren are the best!

   I am starting to finally let go of the pain of losing both Jeff's parents, his aunt Helen, and my cousin Jeremy.  There are still moments when I see something and hear something that reminds me of my dear cousin and I want to pick up the phone and call him.  I know that is not possible, so I remind myself that I get to enjoy it for the both of us and that he would want me to have that giggle, stare in awe at a beautiful piece of art soaking it all in and continue to love on and enjoy the antics of Maggie Mae.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point and to also not shed a tear when I think of our one-of-a-kind Aunt Helen.  I am so very thankful for that short time we had with her.  As for Jeff's parents...I realized that I had been so worried about my husband and kids losing them that I had not taken the time to personally grieve for both his parents.  Jeff and I had many long talks, and I realized that I needed closure.  I think I finally got it by going to his grandparents' gravesite where his parents' ashes will be interned.  I had not been there is over 40 years, but I made a promise to his mom that I would make sure that Jeff and the kids would always know where it was.  It helped me to let go of the hurt and anger that I had towards them and let the love and good memories (and there were many of them) take their place within my heart.  It feels like a huge weight had been lifted off of me.

   Jeff and I have done some thrifting lately and have found many cool things.  We found the pair of pillows pictured above that will be a perfect birthday gift for our fishing and hunting crazy grandson Isaiah.  His room is decorated in that style, and I checked with Heather and she told me she thought he would love them.  So they shall be his!!!!  We also found some really good kneepads for Jeff, a brand new large soft and fuzzy throw blanket, a blender, a large coffee maker to keep in the tent trailer, a gorgeous planter, some clothing, a pretty basket, some picnic plate holders (again for the tent trailer), a small lantern that puts out a tremendous amount of light and an Ethan Allen decorating book.  I really enjoy that style and I think it may be genetic since that seems to have been something that even my great-grandmother loved.

   Jeff and I have been talking about how he wants to fully retire within the next few years, as soon as he can get his full retirement amount.  I have to look into when I can also start taking retirement and what time that will be to make the most of it.  We talked about what full retirement will look like and ways that we can save even more money as to make it possible sooner.  We have been thinking of side hustles, how to make the most of our garden and help it be more productive.  All of these things are very important for us.  We are getting better about not eating out at much.  I'm trying to make sure that we have some quick to make meals here on the ready at home.  Today I made two loaves of bread and took some homemade chicken noodle out of the freezer to make for dinner.  I also threw an acorn squash in the oven too bake so that I have that ready for another meal.  There are two bags of raspberries from our garden thawing on the counter and I will use them to make some raspberry infused gin (a huge favorite of mine and Chris').  It also makes great gifts for loved ones.  I had bought the bottles for it from Amazon awhile back and have also been collecting larger bottles with stoppers on them for keeping it in here at home.  I still have lots of fruit to use in this manner for both gin and vodka.  I would like to get it all made and ready for this year.  Between the blackberries and raspberry stash I have in the freezers, I should be able to make enough for a while year for myself and others.

   I hope that things are going well for all of you who read my ramblings.  As you can see, I am in a much better headspace now.  It has been a long time coming, but the sweet relief now that it is here is incredible.  Thank you to Jesus for your healing and to my amazing family and friend for loving me through it.  Be blessed all.                   

   

   

Another Loss

   Thank you all for your kindness and comments on my last blog post about Remmie.  You helped give me peace in that situation.  It was not an easy thing to have to do, but I know that it had to be done.

   Shortly after I posted by previous blog post, my husband got a call from his estranged sister.  I knew the minute that she called what it was about.  Their father had passed away and she was letting him know.

   My husband took it in his own stoic way.  We let our boys know and spent yesterday with our son Jaysn who asked us to join him for some bowling.  I think it was good for Jeff, Jaysn and I to be together.  Chris had to work, and Josh is in Utah and was working there as well.  Chris and Jeff talked, and Josh and I have been in contact with each other today.  It has been hard on all of us. 

   We had been cut off from Jeff's parents (their choice) for years.  It was not because of something we had done, but because of the actions of others.  Even though we had gone through the mourning process when that happened, the finality of his father's actual passing away hurts.  I'm not going into any more details than that other than to say we are going to take care to guard our own peace.  

   I am so very thankful for the closeness that we shared with our kids (that includes our "daughters" that married our sons) and our grandkids.  I am also grateful to my parents and siblings who love my hubby as their own and who have been there for all of us throughout the years.   I am very aware of how much a blessing that is.

Frugal Friday Wrap Up 11/30/24 and some Ponderings

 

   Well here it is, the end of November already.  The past few weeks seem to have flown by all too quickly.  I had such great plans to get things done Christmas decor wise but found myself completely exhausted and wondering why I was losing so much hair.  Then it hit me, my body has reacted this way in the past when I was under a huge amount of stress.  I now realize why I have felt almost paralyzed, trapped and not able to do much.  It's that "fight or flight" response.  My "flight response" is mentally shutting down and closing up within myself, something I did in my childhood just to mentally survive at times. I know it sounds extreme, but that is just the way I cope (or maybe don't cope) with stress.  Hopefully, now that we have Helen's ashes here with us and will be scattering them where she wanted, Jeff and I can both breathe a sigh of relief knowing that we have done all that she wished.  I also made it through my first holiday without my dear cousin Jeremy here.  It felt very sad not to be able to call him and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am pretty sure that Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.  Jeff and I both miss him so very much.  He became like a brother to me and one of Jeff's closest friends.  We have had too much loss within a short amount of time and it has taken a toll on both of us.

   Speaking of Thanksgiving, Tammy, our Heather's mom, invited us over for Thanksgiving again this year, which was so very sweet of her.  Everyone contributed something to the meal and, as usual, it was delicious!  I had a great talk with one of their friends Kaila, who I met last year at Thanksgiving.  Kaila and her husband are missionaries who do a lot of outreach to families in need.  I also got to visit with Heather's grandma Sandra, whom I absolutely adore.  I glanced over during the meal and saw her sitting at the "kids table" with all her great grandchildren.  I know that she and they love each other so very much and are so blessed to be in one another's lives.  It brought me great joy to see them enjoying their meal together.  I am so very glad she lives right up the road from Heather's parents and that the greatgrandchildren enjoy spending time with her and that she is teaching them all kinds of wonderful things.  We did miss Jaysn, Rachel and Steven this year but were so happy that they were able to go down to visit Josh, Lauren, Tate and Peyton for the holiday.  It really warms my heart to know that our kids continue to be close and want to be in each other's lives.  I also love that our grandkids can and do build those strong family bonds.

    So now we get to the frugal doings for the past 2 or so weeks.  Again, please know that this addled brain of mine has trouble remembering all the stuff, but I will do my best.

~I went to Goodwill and found brand new reusable Christmas and Winter themed bags (originally from Marshals) for .39 each.  I got both the huge size and smaller sized bags.  I am thinking they are good for both shopping since we have to bring our own bags in Washington state when we shop anywhere and also would make great gift giving bags filled with presents for loved ones.

~More bread was made.

~I made a huge pot of macaroni and cheese for Thanksgiving and made extra cheese sauce on purpose.  I then took that cheese sauce and made it into broccoli, potato and cheese soup.  YUM!

~I did my "Black Friday" shopping online and got some great deals.  I bought practical things like a nice forehead digital thermometer, electric toothbrushes, electric scrubbing brush with long handles to help clean the shower without us having to lean over (it also works for cleaning furniture and cars), some glass bottles with stoppers for decanting my homemade fruit infused vodka and gin, along with homemade vanilla, more rolls of bags for my food saver, and a Christmas gift that is a surprise.

~Jeff and I have been watching Christmas movies on TV.  It is wonderful to just be able to pop some popcorn and settle back into our recliners, with our feet up, and watch some of our favorites.

~We bought Maggie a winter jacket.  I never thought I would be someone to buy clothes for their dog, but here I am.  She gets cold easily, so we found her a nice jacket for under $20 at Ross.  It fits around her barrel chest and even has a cute hood (which she is not too keen on).

~I have been filling my house with the sounds of Christmas, even breaking out the classical stuff when Jeff is outside. 😉 He is not a fan of orchestra music, but I am.  He does seem to not be bothered by my Christmas jazz music but prefers the old-time radio kind of Christmas music that he and I grew up with.

~Since my sleep patterns are so screwed up again, I have been using the late hours of the night and early morning hours to watch documentaries.  I am amazed at how much I do not know about our world. 

~I gave Jeff a haircut.

~I shop all year long for Christmas gifts and am already buying some things for next year for our kids.  I like giving them "gift baskets or bags, and since I already have most of the things for them for this Christmas, as I find other things I think they would like, I just set them aside for next year.

   I do hope that everyone reading this had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are looking forward to spending time with loved ones this holiday season.  Make sure to put some effort and thought into doing something special for yourself please.  So many times, we put others ahead of ourselves and often forget that we deserve some special time and gifts too. Be blessed my sweet friends. 

My dear cousin Jeremy has passed away

 

   My dear sweet cousin Jeremy has sadly passed away.  Jeff and I got a phone call about 2 weeks ago from my cousin Andy that Jeremy was in bad shape and were we still able to take his dog Maggie to live with us.  Jeff and I packed our bags and headed down that same evening.  It was a 12 hour drive.  We drove part way and spent the night and headed out early the next morning.  We got to spend some time with Jeremy, my cousin Andy and my Aunt Phyllis.  We said our heartfelt goodbyes the day after we arrived and brought his precious Maggie home to live with us.  Within a little over a week, Jeremy was gone.

   Jeremy left this life on Tuesday, passing away peacefully after a courageous battle with a very aggressive form of cancer that took over and ravaged his body.  My heart is breaking for my cousin Andy and for my Aunt Phyllis.  My heart is also breaking for my hubby, my kids, my grandkids and for me too.  Jeremy was one of the most generous, kindhearted and loving people that I have ever been blessed to have in my life.  His time here on earth was way too short and we cherish the time that we had with him.  We feel so very blessed to have connected with him and having been able to build a very close relationship with him.  He was more than just my cousin, he was also one of Jeff and my closest friends.  He loved our kids and grandkids and took great delight in spoiling us all.  

   Jeremy's final "gift" to us was bringing my cousin Andy, my Aunt Phyllis, Jeff and I together.  He wanted us all to meet.  The last time I saw my cousin Andy and my aunt was when I was 2 years old.  He loved seeing us together and getting to build those close family bonds that were so needed in a time like this.  All of us spent time together and I hope it brought joy to Jeremy knowing that his wish for us all had come to fruition, even though the circumstances were not what any of us wanted.

   Jeff and I got the sad news when we were in Montana visiting my parents and brother Fritz.  Jeff and I took some time to go into Bigfork and we found a beautiful piece of art that spoke to me and represented to me the bond that Jeremy, Jeff and I shared.  Jeff bought it for me knowing that I needed something beautiful to look at to remember our sweet Jeremy by.

   Maggie Mae, Jeremy's faithful companion is now happily living with us.  I kept the promise I made to my cousin when he first brought Maggie home to meet.  I named her and told him that if anything ever happened to him, I would take Maggie and make sure she lived a happy life.  None of us could have ever imagined that within 5 or 6 years, I would be keeping that promise I made to him.  Maggie is the sweetest red nosed pit bull and loves other dogs and cats.  She has bonded big time with my hubby Jeff and is his shadow when he is home.  She is very smart and learns quickly.  I love her so much and am so happy to have her here with us,  Jeremy told me on our last visit that his main concern was making sure Maggie was taken care of.  It brought him great comfort to know that she was with us, people who loved her and would take good care of her.

    I'm still processing my grief over the loss of my dear cousin.   I know that I will break down at some point, but for now, I have too many other things and people that I feel I need to stay strong for.  I feel his loss so deeply and I fear he will not be the only family member we lose this year.  Plans are being made for us to travel to Tahiti to spend time with my sister who has been given a "timeline".  She is flying Jeff and I down and wants us to stay 2 weeks.  He first grandchild should be born around that time and she wants us there for that.  Please continue to keep her in your prayers also.

   

Finally Letting It All Go

 

   For the past two weeks, I have been feeling a bit down.  At first I thought it was just from being really exhausted after going nonstop when Josh and family, along with my cousin Jeremy were here and then missing them terribly when they all left.  I have been trying to put on a smile and pretend that everything is fine...something that I have had much practice at throughout my life.  The only person who knew that I was struggling was my husband, and even he did not know the extent of it.  To be perfectly honest, I did not realize exactly what was causing it either.  That was until yesterday...

   As I was trying to figure things out, I remembered how in the past my therapist had asked me I was happy.  My answer surprised me when the word "no" quickly came tumbling out of my mouth.  I told her that although I put on a good "front", there was always an underlying sadness.  I realized that was what was going on once again in my life and the reason I was struggling.  I also had clarity in that moment, about the source of the it, and knew it was time to just let it all go.

   Our Josh, Lauren, Tate and baby Peyton came home recently for a visit before Josh deploys and so that Chris and Josh could celebrate their birthdays together.  Josh has always gone to visit his grandparents on my husband's side of the family when he comes home, even though that side of the family has cut us all off, that is, except Josh.  His last visit to them had been when Tate was a baby.  Things have transpired over the last two years that have hurt all of us, including Josh.  Josh made the decision not to reach out again while he was here.  I could tell it was something that was weighing heavily upon him.  I let him know that I would always support him in whatever decision he made and that I understood how he was feeling.  

   It broke my heart to see my son realizing the ugly truth of this ongoing mess and why we all had been hurt so deeply.  He now understood why the most of us here had to accept that we would never see Papa again.  I was the "holdout" in the group here, not wanting to accept the painful truth that the man that I loved as my second father, had not reached out to his son, to let him know of his mother's death and had not tried to contact us in any way, shape or form for over six years.  As a parent and grandparent myself, I just could not wrap my head around NOT having a relationship with my kids and grandchildren.   So, this was the "trigger", that reopened old wounds for me and left me depressed.   

   It's a blessing that I had been through therapy in the past and learned some coping skills.  Once I was able to identify what the trigger was, it also allowed me to look at the situation objectively. I came to realize that it truly was the "end" of all hope for the situation to change because the person who we wanted to still have a relationship with, was unwilling or unable to fight for us as we had been trying to do for them.  It was another very painful reality check.  However, I found myself being able to finally let it all go...the hope, the struggles, the depression over the situation, the underlying anger, everything.  I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off me.  I think it comes in part because I no longer have to worry about Josh being hurt any further by this "no win" situation that was thrust upon all of us.  I think he may finally have some clarity and closure, as do I now and, as my other kids and hubby already have.

   I told my hubby about my realization and that I can finally have the closure that I so desperately needed.  He looked relieved, but you could still see the sadness in his eyes about the pain we had all endured.  My hubby is a very tender-hearted man that puts his family first.  Seeing our kids, grandkids or me in pain, hurts him.  He wants to protect us all, and he, through no fault of his own and for reasons beyond his control, was not able to in this situation.   I do think that now that I will not be wrestling with trying to hold out some kind of hope in a hopeless situation, that it will also help him to have some relief knowing that I have learned to put the situation behind me and no longer let it have any kind of negative influence over me.  This has been a long and painful process and journey, but it is one that has reached its final destination, and I can finally lay it all to rest.

   

 

No, I Have Not Fallen Off the Face of the Earth

   No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.  We have had a lot going on here and to be perfectly honest, it has been taking a toll on me physically and mentally.  I find myself in bed almost daily, having to escape from the world, if even for an hour or two, due to physical pain and sensory overload issues.  I need to withdraw from the world to try and calm my body and mind.  That being said, I have also found myself in tears due to the pain from Fibromyalgia on several occasions and I am one to not cry from physical pain often.  I'm not sharing this to gain sympathy, rather to just document it so that I can look back and trace when I have good and bad times with this and if I can find a pattern.

   Jeff and I continue to wait and see if and when he can have his surgery to repair his knee.  His surgeon is on vacation this week and was so busy last week that he did not get a chance to call the insurance company and advocate for Jeff.  Hopefull this coming week, once he is back in the office, he can do so.

   We did go out to dinner as a special treat.  Jeff, after having a really bad week, wanted to take me out for an early Valentine's dinner and I resisted at first but then realized that he really needed to do something nice and fun.  We went to our favorite Mexican place, had a lovely dinner and yes, we did stop at the thrift store (I know, I need to stay out of those places) and found some movies for .99 each and series on dvd were only $1.99 each.  We got some fun ones to add to our collection and I used some of my cash to pay for them.

   Jeff and I have been trying to purge things in our closets and other areas of the house.  Rachel, Jaysn and Steven came out and got Jaysn's bed from his room so that Steven can have a big boy bed now that he is getting too big for his toddler bed.  Rachel donated the toddler bed to a organization that provides beds for families in need, which I think is an absolutly wonderful thing to do!  Jeff and I also ran a huge bag of old blankets to the Humane Society for them to use and thanked them for the gift of our belated cat Doofy who brought such joy into our lives.  It was our way of giving back to such a great organization that is a no kill shelter.  We also took in a box of purses and coats to the consignment store.  They took most of the coats and purses.  The girl working there fell in love with one of my vintage wool coats that fit her perfectly, so I gifted it to here.  She kept saying she could not accept it and I told her that I was giving it to her, one friend to another, because I knew that she would love it and get lots of use out of it.  The smile and her face and light in her eyes just made my day!

   On a sadder note, some dear friends are going through one of the roughest times in their lives right now and at the moment, the outcome is not looking good.  It has caused me to do some deep soul searching myself since it has brought up some issues from my past also that were life altering and that still cause me great emotional pain to this day.  My heart just aches for everyone involved and I pray that the truth will come out, good or bad, and that there can be healing and forgiveness.  At this point, all I can do is pray, be there as a listening and supportive friend and to be there to help pick up the pieces of shattered lives if things go the way that they are looking now.

   One of the hospitals in Spokane, WA has been designated at one of the top 10 hospitals in the nation to treat highly infectious diseases with those zero pressure isolation rooms.  We had 4 patients who are ill with the Covid-19 virus who were on the Princess cruise ship up there now.  They arrived today to be treated.  I really pray that they will all make a full recovery.  The hospital is well equipped and trained to deal with this, but there were some idiots at the airport who were not wearing any type of protective gear, even though the transport team was wearing full protective gear.  They were in close contact with the ill patients and I really do hope that they all go into a quarentine themselves after that stupid stunt and don't catch it and pass it on to others.  The news stations have film of it and were broadcasting it.  Way to spread fear and panic in this area when there are already people freaking out about even having the patients in the secured and locked unit at the hospital.  Honestly, I was not fearful of those patients coming for treatment but I sure am of the idiots who knowingly did something so stupid.  Time to top off the toilet paper supply since there is a good chance it is going to spread throughout Spokane and beyond now due to the stupidity of others.  Jeff's company, that he works for, does a  lot of business with companies in Spokane so there is a chance of one of the drivers getting infected from someone up there and then it spreading down here too.  People from our town, including some of my neighbors, work in Spokane.  One of them works at the hospital right next door to the hospital where the isolation rooms are and if this thing takes hold in the community, I fear she may be infected if someone comes in not knowing that they have the virus.  Several of my hanai kids also work in other hospitals up there.  This could potentially become a huge mess since it has been proven to spread fairly quickly.  UGH!

   Okay, I am going to end this on a positive note though...Bradley and Isaiah are coming to spend the night tomorrow and I am very happy about that!  We have been promising a sleepover for awhile now and it is finally happening now that the everyone is feeling better.  I would love to be able to have Steven out here too with them, but that is just too much running and yelling for this Grammie at this point in my life.  Hopefully I can get into a normal sleep pattern and out of my "dracula"(sleep in the daylight hours) mode at some point so I can have him come stay too.  We did have a fun time with Steven when he was here yesterday getting his new bed though!  Apparently G-pa is his favorite, that is until Grammie gets him chips or cheese. ;)

   Be blessed all!

Into Every Life a Little Rain/Snow Must Fall

     I know that it is not officially Winter yet, but we have had some snow and I can feel the cold penetrating deep into my bones and muscles making me ache even more than my "normal".  This year it seems to be affecting me more than it has in the past.  I'm not sure why, but I am finding that I just cannot tolerate prolonged cold weather.  

   The corner of our couch next to the pellet stove has become my favorite place to sit all cuddled up under a warm fleece throw while I listen to Christmas carols with our cats keeping me company and providing me with a good "hand warmer" as I gently stroke their soft fur.  They provide me with so much comfort and help calm me when I am feeling defeated by my illness and at other times they just remind that life really does have so many beautiful moments and simple pleasures that we will miss out on if we don't take the time to just sit quietly and appreciate them.

   My energy levels have been low lately as I continue to process the traumas in my life that has lead me to this place that I am now health wise.  I find myself "crashing" more often and go back and forth between not being able to sleep well for days on end and then falling apart at the seams and not being able to stay awake and having to spend the day in bed dozing on and off.  Trying to still be there for my family has been my top priority and there are times when I cannot make that happen.  I am blessed that they do understand that I am doing everything that I can to try to be there for them, but sometimes I have to cancel out on plans as I did this weekend when I crashed.

   For now I will try and just cherish the times that I have been able to spend with them lately.  Sharing a big family Thanksgiving together our family combined with Rachel's side of the family, including cousins, being there when Steven had his surgery to have tubes put in his ears, being able to hug and kiss on my two oldest grandsons Bradley and Isaiah, calling and surprising my mom on her birthday, sharing a long hug with our Heather and Chris, and watching Steven enjoy sledding in our front yard with Jaysn and Rachel.  There have been phone calls with our Chris calling to check in and tell me about the progress on their new home, messages from our Josh, emails that have touched my heart from my mother, and visits from Rachel, Steven and Jaysn who are right here in town and stop by to see us often.  

   So yes, I have been taking time for me and stepping back from blogging while I work through things in my past and spend time with those I love most that are in my present.  I do hope at some point to get back to posting on a more regular basis, but for now, I will give myself a much needed break and not feel guilty for taking care of me.  Be blessed my friends and know that I really do appreciate each and every one of you and wish you all the most joyous holiday season. 😘

   

   

Feeling the Love of Family

   

   We got back from our family reunion on Monday and I have been trying to play catch up around here.  It was better than any of us could have imagined with lots of love, laughter, good food, time out on the lake, kayaking and family heirlooms shared.  My parents had rented the house next door to their home for my crew and it was amazing and had room for all of us plus there was a hot tub that my kids, grandkids, brother Eric and his boys all enjoyed also. 💓

   We finally met Josh's girlfriend Lauren and she is a total delight and fits right in with the rest of us.  😊  She is strong and determined, down to earth and so much fun.  I can totally see why our Josh loves her so much.  Speaking of which, the home they are buying is now officially theirs and the are busy picking out paint colors for the walls.  Yay!

   Our grandboys and our nephews, who are all 14 years old and younger, played really well together and created some new "cousin bonds" that will last the rest of their lives.  My sister in law Christie brought over some bubble gloves and had the whole crew out playing with them on the front lawn.  Christie is an amazing mommy and auntie who is always thinking of fun things to do with the kids.  Everyone should have a Christie in their lives.

   It was so nice to spend time with both my brothers and my parents, and see my cousin Jeremy get to know the whole crew also.  One of the highlights of our time there was watching the joy on my father's face as he looked out from his porch down at the dock where lots of the family was gathered playing in the water and on the floaties and kayaks.  I asked him if he could have ever imagined that moment when they first built their home and he said no.  The pride and joy in his eyes and the smile on his face at 80 years old seeing his legacy and family all together nearly brought me to tears.  It is one of those moments in time that I will always cherish.

   My parents blessed us with a night out at the Bigfork Playhouse for a musical review of the 80's.  Josh, Lauren, Jeff, Cade (my oldest nephew) and I all went to it.  It was a night full of music, trivia with audience participation, laughter and good music.  It amazed me that my nephew knew so many of the lyrics to the songs!  He also shared some deep personal stuff with us and I felt honored that he trusted us so much to do so.  I love both he and his brother so very much and I want them to know that Uncle Jeff and I will always be here for them.

   One of the activities that my parents had us do while we were there was for all of us to go through the house and pick out things that we wanted after they were gone.  At first we were all a bit uncomfortable with it but Mom explained that it would make it easier on them and on all of us later.  Each of their children, adult grandchildren and my cousin took turns picking things out.  It was amazing to see what meant the most to everyone.  Some of the things have great monetary value, but most were sentimental items and those were the things that were picked out first.  My mother had us go through her quilts and pick which ones we wanted also.  Some of them came home with us now and some will come later since she still needs to finish them or she is still enjoying them.  My parents sent some of the other things home with us now and we will be getting the rest of the the items later.  One of the things that evoked a lot of laughter was when we opened a box that had my old majorette uniforms in it.  My boys could not believe that I fit in that tiny little sequined bodysuit. 😁 I could not believe Mom had kept it!  It was in a box full of family heirlooms including both my mother and my Uncle Dave's baby book along with their baby shoes.  That box came home with me along with Grandma's teacup collection.  We asked Jeremy if he wanted his father's baby book, but he told me to keep it which is totally understandable given their relationship.  My cousin was given an antique family clock that belonged to our Grandpop and we were all very happy about that since he and his brother are the last of the Ricker line of men in our family.  

   As for how I fared health wise, I did have several flares while there due to overdoing it and eating way too much rich and delicious foods.  I am still flaring (but I expected and planned for it) and I know it will take some time to get back to my "normal".  My entire family was amazing though and really watched out for me telling me to relax and pitching in when they could see me fading.  My mother and I had a talk about my health and we can trace symptoms and other things back to my childhood.  She also has been researching some things and is sending me information on what she has found that might be able to help me.  

   I think all of us came away from our family reunion with a deeper love and stronger bonds than ever before.  Lauren even mentioned to Josh that she felt like our family had accepted her and made her one of us.  My mother had everyone make quilt squares where she had us draw on them with something that represented us, our family or our time there.  She is making a memory quilt using those along with pictures from our time there and I am sure that it will be a much treasured piece of our family history.  While Lauren was making her square, I told her that it was official, she was going in the family quilt and that made her part of the family already.  She and Josh are planning on getting married in the future.  I could not even hope for a better future wife for our Josh...she is simply lovely inside and out!

   Upon leaving to come home, we were all looking forward to another family reunion in the future.  We realize that our time together is precious and with my parents aging, that opportunity to all be together is limited in how many more years we may have to do this before they are gone.  As our family continues to grow, I pray that we have many more opportunities to gather together and enjoy each other's company, share good food, lots of laughter and love.  Family is the greatest treasure and blessing in our lives and fills my love tank to overflowing.
   

Sidelined but Not Out of the Game

 

   Apparently I am not Superwoman and I can't leap buildings in a single bound or even keep up the pace that I had been.  Today I am having a major crash/flare.  I had great plans for the day but have been "sidelined" by pain, stiffness and extremely low energy.  Since it is one of those days, I had to put some of my plans on hold, ask for help and do other things that I could do that do not take up as much energy.  So here is what I did do.

~I had planned to wash the laundry and get it all hung outside to dry.  That was not going to be possible so I washed it and put it in the dryer instead.  I'll have Jeff help me fold it all later.
~I did manage to get the 2 loaves of bread made and make croutons from the rest of the loaf that was leftover from last week.
~I ran my points programs in the background on my computer while I made the bread, did laundry and blogged.
~There were some shirts that needed to be mended so I worked on those while I sat back in my recliner.
~The strawberry plants that escaped the strawberry bed needed to be transplanted back into the strawberry bed.  I knew there was no way I could do it by myself today so I asked Rachel for help with that.  Between the two of us we managed to make quick work of it.
~I had planned on making Lo Mein for dinner but think we may just have the leftover meat that I was going to use in it along with some leftover brown rice and call it good.
~I did manage to drive down to the library today and pick a up a book on hold there for Steven.  That was as far as I was going to even attempt to drive today.  There was no way I was walking down there like I usually do.

   So you see, I may not have been able to do all that I wanted to, but I was still able to get some things done and that makes me feel good.  I am also learning to ask for help when I need it from someone other than Jeff.  That is a HUGE step for me.  I never want to feel like I am burdening anyone.  Rachel is very sweet and offered to come up and help me with whatever I needed.  Since my priority was the strawberry plants, that is what I asked for help with.  I am learning...albeit slowly. 😜

Little Things that are Making Me Happy Lately

 


   

Sometimes we all get so bogged down with the stresses of everyday living that we forget to just take the time to look around and appreciate the little things in life that bring a smile to our faces.  I was thinking about this very thing this afternoon as I sat on my back porch enjoying the warmth of the sunshine after a very long Winter and cold and wet Spring.  I began to think about what it is that has brought me joy over the past few days and thought I would share it here.

~Clean bed linens drying on the clothesline and the fresh smell they all had when I got them down and folded them later in the day.
~A talk across the fence with my much loved hanai sister Shannon.
~Watching the scrunchy nose look my youngest grandson gave me when I sat him in the grass.  He was not a huge fan of it but it did keep him in one place and not crawling off. 
~Taking flowers from our garden next door to Aunt Norma and seeing the look of delight on her face as our grandson Steven flirted shamelessly with her.  
~Eating some of our meals out on the back porch.
~Patches kitty crawling up onto my chest while I was sitting in the lounge chair outside enjoying the warmth of the sun.
~Seeing the bees fly from dandelion to dandelion collecting the pollen.
~The raspberry patch all pruned and staked up by my amazing hubby.
~Relaxing in the hot tub and talking about just how blessed we are with our kids and grandkids.
~Taking a walk and seeing that Steven feel asleep in the stroller.  He had been fighting taking a nap earlier that day.
~Pictures that our Heather shared online of our oldest grandsons, Bradley and Isaiah, helping to pull nails from fence posts at their property.  They were taking great pride in their work!
~Great news being shared by our son Josh.
~Phone calls from our son Chris.
~Spending time with our Rachel and her blessing me by taking me down to Costco with her.
~Jaysn showing up with cupcakes that Rachel had made.
~Our neighbor's cat, Caspian, coming over to visit Steven and I while we were outside on the lawn.

   None of these things cost us a lot of money.  Even the Costco run was budgeted for but what blessed me most about that trip was spending the time with Rachel and Steven.  Most were even "free".  How many times have we been too busy to slow down and actually watch the dance a bee does when it is pollinating a flower?  It is fascinating!  Do we sit still long enough for a beloved cat to crawl up into our lap or onto our chest and just enjoy stroking it's soft fur?  Are there ways we could spread joy to our elderly neighbors by bringing them flowers or something yummy to eat?  When I feel joy, I want to spread that joy to others.  I want other people to feel the warmth, love and caring that do.  I want them to experience the little joys that are all around us if we slow down and take the time to notice them.  

   My plan is to try to take time each day and soak in those precious moments as they happen.  I want to breath in the fragrance of line dried laundry and freshly baked bread.  I want to soak up the warmth of the sun.  I want to play with all my grandchildren and listen to their laughter and the older two tell me all the wonderful things that are on their minds.  I want to watch the baby as he continues to walk and say new words.  I want to spend more time just enjoying my hubby and surprising him with little treats.  While the world continues to go "crazy" all around us, I want to focus on my home, my family and my friends.  I want this to be a safe haven and one where the little joys in life are experienced and appreciated for the truly wonderful gifts that they are to all of us.  My prayer is that my friends will all join me in doing this and that they too will both find and spread joy in the beauty and love that surrounds us all.

Keeping It Real

  

   I'm sitting here in jammies at 6 p.m. typing up this post on a very wet and cold evening.  Now I know that this does not sound like anything unusual right, but here is the catch...these are the same pajamas that I put on last night and still have not gotten out of today.  Let's just delve in a little deeper.  I came home from our Heather's grandmother's funeral on Monday afternoon, got changed and have been in pajamas daily (well except for a brief time at 1 in the morning when I actually got dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt to run some things down to the library drop box and rummage through the recycling bin at the post office for coupons because Jeff forgot to drop the stuff off at the library on his way out of town for work).  I do shower and change my pajamas daily...usually at night. 

   I had planned on actually getting dressed in non pajama related clothing this week.  I even laid out a complete outfit Monday night on the guest bathroom countertop so I could shower and then get dressed in there without disturbing my hubby the following morning.  It is still sitting there this Thursday night taunting me.  I guess I could use the excuse that I was washing my bras and letting them dry (but I think that 4 days of "drying" was even a bit of a reach for me).  I could use the excuse that I am still recovering from that cold (yes, that one sounds plausible), or I could just be totally transparent and real and tell you the real reason (or reasons). I have been struggling, troubled and depressed for a good part of the week, although today was a much better day moodwise. 

   It started Monday when I saw some of the people that I love most in the world hurting because when they needed their friends and their church family the most, none of them (with the exception of the pastor) showed up at the funeral of their loved one.  There were just a small handful of family members present.  Oh how I ached for them all.  These hurting people are the same ones that are there for their friends, volunteer at their church, give back to their community and go out of the way to help others in their time of need.  I could clearly see the hurt in their eyes while we waited to see if any of their friends were going to show up.  I tried to put my feelings down into words so many times this week after this happened, but my words were just too filled with anger so I kept deleting my drafts.  I did not want to add to the pain that they were already going through.

   The weather and these gray days really do affect my mood.  It brings on anxiety and depression. Now on a beautiful clear and sunny winter day I am usually filled with joy, but days on end  of rain/snow mix tend to get me down.  Add to that feeling like I am trapped at home because everyone around me seems to be getting sick with the flu or strep throat (which I have to avoid getting with my history of rheumatic fever and therefore I need to not be around most people and risk getting sick).  Also add to that still dealing with the tail end of this cold (at least I hope it is the tail end of it), itchy inner ears and fibro flares along with little sleep and well...it's a recipe for being an emotional mess this week.  

   Today was a better day though.  I watched a squirrel eat a seed pod in the shelter of the big pine tree while the snow swirled around him.  I took great delight in finally seeing what had Doofy all up in arms when I spotted a family of quail in our backyard weaving their way in and out of our chain link fence. Our son Josh SKYPEd with Jeff and I and it was so good to actually be able to see him while talking to him.  He usually just calls on the phone while on his way to work since he is so busy (yes, he has his phone synced with his truck so he can talk to us hands free and concentrate on the road but will get off it the traffic is really bad).  He had some good and encouraging news to tell us which made me so happy and took a huge burden off my heart.  😊  And finally, the weekend is coming and I am feeling like I will be ok to go and spend time with my youngest grandson on Saturday.  It has been far too long since I had some time with him (since Christmas) and I am missing him terribly!  I did get to spend time with my oldest two grandsons on Monday and that honestly made a very hard day better.  Any time spent with those three little loves of mine is something that I treasure.

   So yes, it has been a rough week, but it is looking up.  I am going to go and take a shower now and get into yet another pair of jammies, but just because it is getting closer to bed time.  The plan is to actually get up tomorrow morning and get dressed in those clothes that are still laying out on the counter for me.  If it is not raining or icy, I want to go for a walk, even though I know it will have to be a short one since I can't go very far at the moment.  I need to make two loaves of fresh bread so we have some for the weekend and for next week also.  Wish me luck please.

   Be blessed!

   

   

 

 

Learning When to Let It Be

   

   

    Over the past few months, I have really been working on trying to learn how to just "let it be".  I think everything came to a head when I broke down in my doctor's office a few months ago and shared some things with him that I had kept bottled up inside.  My sweet hubby was there with me and very lovingly filled in the blanks when I could not complete my thoughts because I was just overwrought.

   Ever since then, I have been reevaluating relationships in my life.  It has caused me to look at how certain relationships affect me.  Are they healthy?  If they are causing me stress, why is that and is it something that can be worked through?  Is the relationship something that I even want to save and continue with?  Is a friend going through a rough time right now and needs my support?  Have they been there for me when I needed them or have they not cared or not had time for me when the shoe is on the other foot?  In some cases, do they even want to make their lives better or do they continue to play the victim card?  Lest I sound like most of my friendships are unhealthy or strained, please let me reassure you (and myself) that most are healthy, but there are a few that definitely are not and are being "pruned" from my life. 😉

   Recently I have had to learn to just "let it be" with a few friendships and a few I had to completely walk away from.  One of my friends struggles with drug addiction.  She has had a rough life and recently hit rock bottom and was arrested by my son of all people. 😥 My heart aches for her and I have tried to be as supportive as I can.  She knows that I love her.  She is making choices though that I cannot support and that I can see may end up killing her.  I have tried to offer suggestions and get her help, but she continues to make the choice to go back to unhealthy relationships with people that she cannot be around if she wants to stay clean.  I just have give her up to God and let it be at this point.  I cannot save her from herself.  Another friend also is making unhealthy choices and no amount of love and support from others will change her life until she realizes that she is worthy of being loved and valued for her and until she makes some choices to change her life for the better. Sometimes I think she has played the victim for so long that she is comfortable there because it gets her attention. Lots of people have offered her advice, support, and physical things to make her life easier, but she does not follow through and that leaves people frustrated with her, myself included. This is another case of "let it be".   The ones that I have walked away from are the ones where the person has just been downright unkind, uncaring, and has no regard for my feelings or the feelings of others.  They are the people who use people to get what they want and then discard them.  They are the manipulators and I have no time or room for that in my life.  

   I can now look back and see how much time and energy I have invested in people who I really should not have.  I have been deeply hurt and betrayed by some of them.  Others, I still love but I can't help them because they refuse to do what they need to to to help themselves.  My energy is limited and I am choosing to continue to invest in relationships with people that I love and care about and who love and care about me back. Some of those people are going through horrible times in their lives right now and I will continue to be there for them because I know that they are the kind of people that are also there for me when I need them.  My relationships with them are deep, real and reciprocal.  

  It has taken me this long in my life to finally get to a point where I am setting healthy boundaries for myself and learning to walk away or "let it be" from unhealthy relationships and not feel guilty about doing so.  This is a HUGE milestone for me in my own healing and one that I am so thankful for.  I am also so grateful to my friends and family that have helped me get to this point.  Many of those friends are you, the friends that I have made through this blog who have prayed for, encouraged and shared your own stories with me.  So thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to grow and learn when to walk away and when to just let it be.  I am forever grateful for you.