Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Sometimes we all need something big to happen to help us push that reset button and sometimes it is a series of smaller things that lead us to that moment. I recently had both.
It is no secret that I have been struggling emotionally and physically for some time now. I have been taking needed steps to try and get into a better place in both areas but was still having trouble "letting go" of an ongoing and very unhealthy extended family issue that has been taking a huge toll on all of us. There was still a place in my heart that wondered if there was any hope that there would be a softening of hearts and accountability taken for hurtful personal choices made by others that have been made to cause great emotional pain to my husband, kids, grandkids and myself. I learned within the past few weeks due to another incident that things are beyond hope and that the lies, "playing the victim and martyr", etc. are just getting worse by the ones causing the issues in the first place and that they are definitely not going to change. Strangely, that has brought some relief because now my husband and I no longer play the "what if" game, as in what if his parents were hospitalized or on their deathbed, would he even be allowed to see them. Now we know that we would be blocked from seeing one of them (and they would be told that we did not want to see them which is NOT true) and that the other one does not want to see my husband (and especially not me) at all and that, as usual, it is all my fault for even breathing. Yep, apparently they are still using me as the scapegoat for all their bad personal choices in life. It is interesting to me though that they exposed exactly what they are doing to the one person in my immediate family that they still had a relationship with and that person called them out on all of it. It really hurt my husband to the core to find out what they were still saying and doing, but I think the not knowing if he would be allowed to ever see them and if he would be turned away on the spot hurt more than now knowing for sure that even if they were dying, we were not to be told anything. It is just another way to drive that knife deeper into his heart and to again play the martyr on their end. That is their choice and they have to live with the consequences of it. There is nothing we can do to change things when the other party/parties, just use whatever they can to continue to try and cause pain to our family. We refused to continue to stupidly "invest" and participate in the head games they were playing and that made them angry. So yes, as hurtful as it is, we can now have some closure on that issue and hopefully put it all behind us.
The other thing that happened that really helped was being able to totally get away for awhile and experience new things with no responsibilities whatsoever. We just got back from a wonderful vacation in Las Vegas where our son Josh and his beautiful future bride Lauren generously hosted us. We stayed at their home and were able to meet up with some of my childhood friends, were gifted a beautiful cd that my friend Gary and his family just recorded, had one of my hanai sons over for lunch, reconnected with one of my cousins, checked out another cousin's new restaurant, ate way too much good food, and got to explore both Red Rocks Canyon and Zion National Park. Josh and Lauren built in days of rest for me in between our big outings, which I really appreciated, and allowed me to be able to do as much as we did. Traveling there and back was difficult for me and caused me high levels of pain that even Hydrocodone was not touching, but it was so worth it!
As much fun as we had, it was also wonderful to return home and be with our fur babies, see our Jaysn, Rachel and Steven waiting for us with open arms at the airport and to know that we will be seeing the rest of our family, including my parents who will be here visiting, in a few days. We will be celebrating our oldest son's birthday too!
All of this has driven home the point more than ever that real family is based on the love and respect you have for one another even if you have differing opinions. Our hanai (adopted by love) family is so important to us and mean the world to us also. We have chosen to be "family" to one another and invested in those relationships and to be honest, I would be lost without them.
So here I am pushing that reset button while I putter around my home once more and being oh so thankful for for both the good and the bad that has led me to this moment in time. It has given me clarity, peace of mind on some issues and a deep appreciation for real family and share experiences with them. Yes, I am doing so much better emotionally now.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
I'm sitting here on a cold Fall night with the pellet stove running beside me. The warmth is going deep into my bones and I love that feeling. I also have Doofy cat curled up in my lap enjoying that I am again wearing his favorite flannel nightgown. The days have been beautiful with the changing colors of the trees and the nights have been cool and make sleeping (when I can get there) all the more comfortable.
We've been apple picking and to the pumpkin patch with the grandboys and all had a wonderful time together. They are growing up so quickly and this is a tradition that I hope we can continue for years to come. It was so much fun to watch all three of them pick out their pumpkins this year! We also had a family dinner at my cousin Jeremy's new store and had a great time going through all the stuff he has there. I am already planning some of my Christmas gift shopping. ;) We still need to get a bunch of our furniture, books, and vintage linens and dishes over there for him to sell and I need to help him set up the table displays.
The progress on Chris and Heather's new home has been amazing! It really warms my heart to see their dream coming true. Family has been pitching in whenever they can to help get it up and dried in before the bad and wet weather hits. I wish Jeff and I could do more to help, but time and health has not allowed that unfortunately.
Jaysn and Rachel are finding they need more room for their family and we went apartment hunting today. The first place we saw was not going to work at all but a dear friend happened to have a 2 bedroom apartment here in town that he is repainting right now and that turned out to be just the right place for them. They are even going to be able to put up a temporary fence to keep Steven corralled in the backyard and Steven has made friends with some of the neighbor's cats already. :) Rachel is happy because it also has an in unit washer and dryer that will make her life so much easier and will not have to haul all their laundry up here to our house to do it when the snow comes. They will only be about 6 blocks away from us and will be down the street from the swimming pool so that will be great for them come this next Summer.
We head out to see Josh and Lauren here in a little over a week now and Jeff and I both cannot wait! We are so looking forward to spending time with them, seeing their new home, exploring Zion National Park and seeing old childhood friends of mine. It will also be nice to lounge around and swim at their neighborhood pool. ;)
As for not posting lately or visiting my friends in blogland, please know that it is not for lack of want but rather lack of energy, motivation and the like. I have continued to struggle with my health and when I overdo it (as I did with the day with the grandkids mentioned above), my pain levels spike up even higher for days after that. Those are not good days at all. Weather changes affect me negatively too. I'm also working through some things emotionally and that takes so much energy out of me. My posting and visits will most likely continue to be spotty at best for awhile and I do hope you will bear with me. I need to focus on my health and my family at the moment. Hopefully things will get better here soon and I will be able to be back on a more regular schedule. Until then, be blessed and Happy Fall!