Monday, October 5, 2015

It's So Hard Not Knowing

   I have been sitting and waiting all day for a phone call with the results of my biopsy, finding out if my health insurance has approved my surgery and when that surgery will be.  I called this morning and was told someone would be calling me this afternoon to firm things up.  Well it is now 6:13 p.m. and there has been no call.
   It's the not knowing that is so hard.  Even if there is no news, I would really appreciate a call letting me know that at least.  I've already had one teary meltdown and came close to having another panic attack.  My husband needs to know so he can get time off for my surgery and for a few days afterwards to take care of me.  My DIL Rachel would like to be able to help me too but also needs to know when I will need her so she can also try to apply to get the time off from work.
   I would also like to be able to return to substitute teaching, but that has been put on hold too.  I can't commit to anything since I don't know when I will have surgery and how long it will take to recover.  I miss the kids and the wonderful staff that I have worked with over the years.  I want to get back to doing what I love.
   I'm also fearful of this continuing to be pushed out further and further.  I just want this over and done with so I no longer have to live with the worry of why my body is "malfunctioning".  I would like to be able to enjoy the upcoming visit with my parents, my oldest son's birthday and the soon to be upon us holiday season.  At this rate, some of those things are not going to happen. 
    It's just hard to wait, not knowing and not being able to make plans.  I feel like I am letting other people down.  I want my hubby to not have to continue to worry about me, I want our lives to go back to normal where we can make plans to do things and not be in limbo.  I just want this to be done.

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