Friday, January 25, 2019
Thank You and an Update
This is a follow up to my post earlier today. First of all, I want to thank Cheryl, Becky, Kathy and Billie Jo who all left me great comments and suggestions at the time of this update post. Jeff and I are not able to get away for a few nights right now, but we are taking this weekend for ourselves and have made some other changes and plans as well.
As most of you who have been reading my blog know, my hubby is my hero, safe place and my "safe harbor" in life's many storms. When he woke up this afternoon after having a busy overnight work shift, he took me into his arms and just held me and asked me how I was doing and listened while I told him about how I was feeling about my friend's death and about feeling overwhelmed and guilty for not being able to be there for Rachel today. I want to make it abundantly clear that Rachel did nothing to make me feel this way, it is all my own feelings of guilt.
We had a long talk after he got his coffee and I found myself in his arms once again. This led to a very jealous Doofy cat, but I digress. Doofy does not like having to share me with anyone.😉 Anyway, we talked about how I feel like the worst Mother /Grammie in the world when I am not able to be there for my kids and grandkids and help them out or have to cancel out on things. I feel like many people see me as a total flake and unreliable because they don't understand that I have no control over what my body decides to do at any given moment. I try my best to rest as needed, but my sleep quality sucks and I never know if and when I will be able to sleep. If I can't get to sleep until after 3 a.m. (which seems to be the norm for me), then having to get up early to help someone or be somewhere is very difficult for me, especially since the quality of my sleep is also not normal and I lack the level of deep sleep and even REM sleep that is needed to heal and refresh your body and mind. Once in awhile, I can manage it, but to do so on a regular basis is nearly impossible without me feeling totally overwhelmed. Jeff and I realized that with my counseling going on and all that is bringing up, that I am not in a position where I can take anything else on and that I need to be able to use my energy to process through things and to heal from my past. I need to really pull back from all but a few outside the home commitments at this time.
My amazing and protective hubby had a long talk with Jaysn and Rachel to let them know what is going on and why I have had to cancel out so much even though I want to spend as much time as I can with our little Steven. They were so supportive and understood why I needed this time for me. I'm know that my other kids will be/are just as supportive and that it was my own feelings of guilt for not being able to be the person that I want and used to be for all of them that was tearing me apart inside.
Jeff and I also made some plans for our home to get it back into order and easier to manage. We will be tackling these projects doing a little at a time so that I do not get overwhelmed and he does not get worn out. As for this weekend...we are playing that by ear and seeing how I am doing. Saturday we will stay at home and rest and if I am up to it, then we will head up to the lake for a bit on Sunday and if weather and my body allows, bundle up and walk on the boardwalk out over the lake. We shall see....