I know that on Fridays I try to post a Frugal Friday Wrap Up post, but today this is just not going to happen. I just don't have it in me at the moment to do it. Last night things came to a head and I broke down...
I had a feeling all day yesterday that someone I cared about had passed away. I checked the obituaries and there was nothing there. I still could not shake the feeling. Then, last night shortly before 9 p.m. I got a message via facebook private messenger that an old boyfriend, who I had remained friends with, and who was one of the sweetest and kindest people around had passed away the day before. His brother, who was also a good friend and who was married to one of my best friends from college, had passed away earlier in August. My heart absolutely broke for the entire family. I got ahold of my friend Linda to let her know how sorry I was for the loss of her BIL and that they were all in my prayers. I then got ahold of Rachel to let her know that I would not be able to watch Steven today because I was not coping well and was going into a major Fibro flare. I felt awful having to tell her that because I love spending time with Steven, but I knew that I would not sleep well and would be in horrible pain today. I was right.
I had also called my husband, who was at bowling league, and left him a message. He called me back later and I filled him in on what was going on. He was so understanding and supportive because he knows how deeply I love my friends and how much this affects me. Both Greg and Jeff, the brothers who passed within months of each other, are around Jeff and my age. In fact, my Jeff is the same age as my friend Jeff that just passed away. That hit my heart hard because I cannot imagine not having my Jeff in my life. My heart aches for his wife and family.
Here is where the guilt comes in. I was totally overwhelmed with the news of my friend's death and went into "shut down mode". I could not cope with anything more at the moment and could not even answer simple questions or commit to anything, even to my family. I had to cancel out on watching Steven at the last moment and put off making any sort of commitment even about what food I was bringing to a family party in a few weeks. I also could not commit to having my older grandsons come and spend the night with us next month since plans have changed (they are going skiing and should have lots of fun) and they will not be with us this weekend as planned. I know that I am letting everyone down and I feel horrible about it.
Here is the thing about this horrible, life altering illness called Fibromyalgia...it robs you of so much and changes your life forever. Many of us with it are super sensitive people, also known as empaths. We feel other people's emotional pain and take it upon ourselves. I have always been this way ever since I was a child. We love our friends and family deeply, which is a blessing is so many ways, but can also lead to deep hurt, and in our cases, physical and emotional pain as we grieve for those we love and care for. That leaves us unable to be there for others as we process our own grief and the physical pain that intensifies in situations like this. That leaves us feeling guilty for not being able to be there for others and also for feeling such intense pain when we know that those people we love that have lost their family member are going through one of the worst times of their lives and wanting to be there for them too.
I feel totally lost and like I have let everyone down. I'm not sure how to deal with all of this. I just want to run away with my husband for the weekend and be alone in a cabin in the woods with no communication or commitment to or from the outside world. I want to cuddle up next to him with a fire going in a fireplace and doze off as I feel safe and protected in his strong arms. I don't want to have to pay attention to time, have the responsibilities of daily life, or even having to take care of my much loved fur babies. I want to walk in the woods and take in the beauty and stillness therein and smell the calming and earthy aroma of the forest itself. It is an impossible dream at the moment financially or time wise, but it is what I long for. I want the quiet, the stillness, the coziness and that wonderful feeling of being wrapped up in our own little world with my husband.
I know it may sound "selfish", but that is what I feel that both he and I need at the moment. Losing my friend has made me even more aware of how precious my husband is to me and that I need to appreciate every moment I have with him. I want to just be able to focus my energy and time on him for a weekend, no matter how much I may be hurting physically and emotionally. I would truly be lost without him.