Yesterday was a horrible day pain and energy wise and I found myself either in my recliner or in bed. I had a moment that really scared me when I realized that days like these are ones that find people totally giving up and spiraling into a deep depression only to try to find a quick way out. 😪😢 That realization was quickly met with "but there are better days ahead" in my mind and that I could not allow my mind to go to that dark place again...
Today I woke up in pain (as usual), but my outlook was much better. That is what I mean about there are better days ahead. With this and other chronic illnesses, your health and energy levels, as well as your mental health, can change minute by minute. You have to accept that there are going to be horrible days but also know that things can and will get better on other days. It's like riding a rollercoaster for the first time and not knowing exactly what is ahead but also knowing there will be highs and lows and you just have to go with the ride and try to find enjoyment in it even though there are times when you are scared and want off!
Yesterday I was not able to get anything done around the house, but today I can do a few things as long as I take breaks in between. There is bread to be made (my KitchenAid does the mixing and kneading for me...I love that thing) and I also need to take a quick trip down to the library to drop off some things that are due today. Speaking of which, I had better go and jump in the shower and get myself presentable so I can make it down there before they close. Be blessed all!
This is a follow up to my post earlier today. First of all, I want to thank Cheryl, Becky, Kathy and Billie Jo who all left me great comments and suggestions at the time of this update post. Jeff and I are not able to get away for a few nights right now, but we are taking this weekend for ourselves and have made some other changes and plans as well.
As most of you who have been reading my blog know, my hubby is my hero, safe place and my "safe harbor" in life's many storms. When he woke up this afternoon after having a busy overnight work shift, he took me into his arms and just held me and asked me how I was doing and listened while I told him about how I was feeling about my friend's death and about feeling overwhelmed and guilty for not being able to be there for Rachel today. I want to make it abundantly clear that Rachel did nothing to make me feel this way, it is all my own feelings of guilt.
We had a long talk after he got his coffee and I found myself in his arms once again. This led to a very jealous Doofy cat, but I digress. Doofy does not like having to share me with anyone.😉 Anyway, we talked about how I feel like the worst Mother /Grammie in the world when I am not able to be there for my kids and grandkids and help them out or have to cancel out on things. I feel like many people see me as a total flake and unreliable because they don't understand that I have no control over what my body decides to do at any given moment. I try my best to rest as needed, but my sleep quality sucks and I never know if and when I will be able to sleep. If I can't get to sleep until after 3 a.m. (which seems to be the norm for me), then having to get up early to help someone or be somewhere is very difficult for me, especially since the quality of my sleep is also not normal and I lack the level of deep sleep and even REM sleep that is needed to heal and refresh your body and mind. Once in awhile, I can manage it, but to do so on a regular basis is nearly impossible without me feeling totally overwhelmed. Jeff and I realized that with my counseling going on and all that is bringing up, that I am not in a position where I can take anything else on and that I need to be able to use my energy to process through things and to heal from my past. I need to really pull back from all but a few outside the home commitments at this time.
My amazing and protective hubby had a long talk with Jaysn and Rachel to let them know what is going on and why I have had to cancel out so much even though I want to spend as much time as I can with our little Steven. They were so supportive and understood why I needed this time for me. I'm know that my other kids will be/are just as supportive and that it was my own feelings of guilt for not being able to be the person that I want and used to be for all of them that was tearing me apart inside.
Jeff and I also made some plans for our home to get it back into order and easier to manage. We will be tackling these projects doing a little at a time so that I do not get overwhelmed and he does not get worn out. As for this weekend...we are playing that by ear and seeing how I am doing. Saturday we will stay at home and rest and if I am up to it, then we will head up to the lake for a bit on Sunday and if weather and my body allows, bundle up and walk on the boardwalk out over the lake. We shall see....
I know that on Fridays I try to post a Frugal Friday Wrap Up post, but today this is just not going to happen. I just don't have it in me at the moment to do it. Last night things came to a head and I broke down...
I had a feeling all day yesterday that someone I cared about had passed away. I checked the obituaries and there was nothing there. I still could not shake the feeling. Then, last night shortly before 9 p.m. I got a message via facebook private messenger that an old boyfriend, who I had remained friends with, and who was one of the sweetest and kindest people around had passed away the day before. His brother, who was also a good friend and who was married to one of my best friends from college, had passed away earlier in August. My heart absolutely broke for the entire family. I got ahold of my friend Linda to let her know how sorry I was for the loss of her BIL and that they were all in my prayers. I then got ahold of Rachel to let her know that I would not be able to watch Steven today because I was not coping well and was going into a major Fibro flare. I felt awful having to tell her that because I love spending time with Steven, but I knew that I would not sleep well and would be in horrible pain today. I was right.
I had also called my husband, who was at bowling league, and left him a message. He called me back later and I filled him in on what was going on. He was so understanding and supportive because he knows how deeply I love my friends and how much this affects me. Both Greg and Jeff, the brothers who passed within months of each other, are around Jeff and my age. In fact, my Jeff is the same age as my friend Jeff that just passed away. That hit my heart hard because I cannot imagine not having my Jeff in my life. My heart aches for his wife and family.
Here is where the guilt comes in. I was totally overwhelmed with the news of my friend's death and went into "shut down mode". I could not cope with anything more at the moment and could not even answer simple questions or commit to anything, even to my family. I had to cancel out on watching Steven at the last moment and put off making any sort of commitment even about what food I was bringing to a family party in a few weeks. I also could not commit to having my older grandsons come and spend the night with us next month since plans have changed (they are going skiing and should have lots of fun) and they will not be with us this weekend as planned. I know that I am letting everyone down and I feel horrible about it.
Here is the thing about this horrible, life altering illness called Fibromyalgia...it robs you of so much and changes your life forever. Many of us with it are super sensitive people, also known as empaths. We feel other people's emotional pain and take it upon ourselves. I have always been this way ever since I was a child. We love our friends and family deeply, which is a blessing is so many ways, but can also lead to deep hurt, and in our cases, physical and emotional pain as we grieve for those we love and care for. That leaves us unable to be there for others as we process our own grief and the physical pain that intensifies in situations like this. That leaves us feeling guilty for not being able to be there for others and also for feeling such intense pain when we know that those people we love that have lost their family member are going through one of the worst times of their lives and wanting to be there for them too.
I feel totally lost and like I have let everyone down. I'm not sure how to deal with all of this. I just want to run away with my husband for the weekend and be alone in a cabin in the woods with no communication or commitment to or from the outside world. I want to cuddle up next to him with a fire going in a fireplace and doze off as I feel safe and protected in his strong arms. I don't want to have to pay attention to time, have the responsibilities of daily life, or even having to take care of my much loved fur babies. I want to walk in the woods and take in the beauty and stillness therein and smell the calming and earthy aroma of the forest itself. It is an impossible dream at the moment financially or time wise, but it is what I long for. I want the quiet, the stillness, the coziness and that wonderful feeling of being wrapped up in our own little world with my husband.
I know it may sound "selfish", but that is what I feel that both he and I need at the moment. Losing my friend has made me even more aware of how precious my husband is to me and that I need to appreciate every moment I have with him. I want to just be able to focus my energy and time on him for a weekend, no matter how much I may be hurting physically and emotionally. I would truly be lost without him.
Sometimes life is going along and you think you are doing better but then things get worse for awhile. This is so true when you are going through counseling. I really thought that I was doing better and even felt more positive and then WHAM...
My anxiety, OCD and depression hit me head on again and hard this past week. The positive though is that I was able to get it under control and work my way through the multiple panic attacks, so that is progress. I could not figure out why I was having nightmares along with all of the above yet again. I have been spending time filling my "love tank" with my grandkids and my kids who live near us. I have actually been able to go on a few short walks with the baby since the weather had been Spring like until it turned again within the past few days. We have run into friends that I love and adore and shared hugs with them. Our Chris and Heather got moved into their new home and had us over for dinner...so why am I having so much trouble again???
I talked to my counselor today and she gave me the answer...it is because I am facing things that I have not wanted to deal with for so long and it is bringing up lots of anxiety. She said it was a good thing though because that means I am actually doing the work that needs to be done to learn to cope with my past and move on from it. For so long I have just "stuffed" things away and put on a smiling and strong front. I do have some great coping skills in some areas, but there are other areas where I still need to work on.
Because of this, my energy is still drained and it makes it hard to concentrate on things like blogging, reading other friends' blogs, and even spending time with friends in person. My "sensory overload" seems to be on hyperspeed right now so being around a lot of people, too much noise, bright lights and trying to form thoughts and transfer them to paper or reply or even do much reading is proving to be very difficult. This in turn makes my anxiety ramp up and that makes my Fibromyalgia flares even worse.
I trust that in time, the counseling will help me cope with not only my illness, but also with things in my past that research shows has a strong correlation to WHY I may have Fibromyalgia. I've had symptoms since I was a kid, so this goes way back before we were able to connect the dots to figure out what was going on. Counseling will not "cure" my Fibromyalgia, but it will help me deal with things in my life and also help me accept and maybe even love who I am now.
It has been a week of great highs and also great challenges. Our Josh and his Lauren got engaged and we could not be happier! Yes, we are looking forward to a beautiful wedding and our family growing again this year with another wonderful and amazing daughter. There have been health struggles for both Jeff and I and he has been off work for the last 3 days of this week so he can heal. It has been nice having more time with him, but I know he is itching to get back to work. He is already doing better and for that I am so thankful! Onto the frugal doings...
~Saturday we had a wonderful time with our family celebrating Christmas a bit late since Chris had to work on Christmas day. Lots of good food, laughter, and thoughtful gifts. My favorites were the pictures that my two oldest grandsons painted for me.
~We Facetimed with our son Josh, his fiance Lauren (yes, it is finally official!!!) and my parents.
~Sunday was a crash day for me while Jeff helped Chris with the new house and then helped at my cousin Jeremy's new store getting it ready to open soon.
~I worked on my points programs Sunday and throughout the week.
~Monday we combined all our errands into one trip. Both Jeff and I were hurting by the end of it, but it is all done how.
~We picked up laundry detergent, some prizes and props for Chris and Heather's up and coming housewarming party that we are throwing for them, and some other things like pain meds there too.
~We stopped at Walmart to get cat food (best prices on the stuff the cats like), my prescription, creamer (stocking up on more of the peppermint mocha before they stop carrying it for the season...I froze the two bottles we bought), oil and filter for Jeff's car and then hit the Christmas clearance area where I found gift bags for .24 each and aloe infused socks for .74 each that will work for all holidays and birthdays.
~The next stop was Goodwill. It was Senior discount day. We found a jacket for Jeff and 3 pairs of Lularoe leggings for me along with 2 limited edition Lenox Christmas mugs (they were half off). We paid under $17 for all of it and I used my cash that I had on hand to spend any way I pleased on all of it.
~We bought very few things at Winco since we already have so much on hand here at home and are trying to eat from the pantry and freezer and just get fresh dairy, fruits and veggies as needed.
~Jeff and I hot tubbed and watched the fireworks that other people were setting off on New Year's eve.
~Tuesday found us in the emergency room with Jeff having an acute abdominal strain (thank God it was not something worse). L and I are paying for it since the injury happened on the job.
~We stopped to get some food on the way home at the deli and we both had enough for 2 meals each.
~Wednesday we stopped at one of the local thrift stores and I found 3 shirts for .25 each, 3 dvds including 2 that have a good family friend in them, a pizza pan, and 2 travel carry on bags.
~We borrowed 2 movies from the library.
~I took inventory of our HBA supplies to see what we had on hand and what we will be needing within the next few months. From what I could see, we are good for a while other than antiperspirant.
~I cut a box of 55 fabric softener sheets in half to make them go further.
~Jeff and I made a big bowl of popcorn and watched Jurassic World that we borrowed from the library.
~Leftovers for dinner.
~Thursday found us at home all day watching movies on Netflix.
~I was craving Mexican food for dinner so I made some homemade Mexican rice with things I had on hand and we had chicken tamales (they had been on sale) that I had bought earlier in the week. We still have enough tamales and rice for another meal. The total cost for our meal plus another full meal was $9.00. That is less than the cost of 1 entree at our local Mexican restaurant that we love going to.
~Jaysn came up to bring in two 50 pound bags of pellets for us and also borrowed a movie from us.
~Jeff and I went over our budget and found that we need to really do some deep cuts in order to save money for Josh and Lauren's wedding. We found some areas that we can cut back in.
~Friday Jeff got the wheels aligned on my car but they did not charge for the spin balancing thank goodness.
~Jeff made pancakes from our homemade mix for dinner and we had it with homemade syrup and some tangerines.
~We watched the movie "Samson" on Netflix.
This weekend we plan on resting more and trying to get a few thing organized to make our lives easier. If the weather holds, we will also be taking down the Christmas lights from outside and that should be the last of the Christmas decor since I did the inside today. Nothing too strenuous as Jeff still needs to rest and heal. Be blessed all!
New Year's Eve was a rough one with Jeff in lots of abdominal pain. We did everything we could to try and alleviate it. Nothing worked and it was a very long night with neither of us sleeping well. New Year's Day we knew that he needed to be seen, so I called our doctor's office. They were not working that day. I called Jaysn and we took Jeff to Quick Care...they were closed too. Jeff asked to go to the emergency room.
After a CT scan, and multiple tests, it was determined that he has an acute abdominal strain that he got at work on Friday night and that was the cause of his pain. Poor guy is having all kinds of trouble walking, sitting, standing. The doctor has him off for the rest of the week from work and then we will go from there and see how he is doing. Luckily his bosses are wonderful and the medical costs will be covered by L and I.
What I have learned from all of this is that we are so blessed to have our kids close and that Jaysn had the day off from work. He drove us to the hospital and back home again and help his dad into the car and back out again. My fibro fog was so bad that I did not dare drive Jeff to the hospital myself. I could not even fill out the L and I forms properly when we got there. Jaysn even filled our pellet stove for us and brought in another bag so I can scoop pellets out to fill the stove and not have to lift the whole bag.
I have also learned that I can push through a lot of pain when it comes to being there for the people that I love the most. I know that I will be flaring big time (it has already started but I am trying not to let on to my husband so that he will not overdo things) from very little sleep and lots of stress. I'm just praying he heals quickly...I hate to see my hubby in so much pain.
