Thursday, September 28, 2017

Thank You

 


   



   Thank you all for your sweet support and love at the loss of our dear friend/hanai family member Mel.  I read all of your comments but got overwhelmed so I did not respond to each one individually.  I was just trying to hold it all together and remain strong for his family.  I have yet to totally let down and grieve.  We went from dealing with all the emotions of that to going to Montana to spend time with my parents and brother there.  I could see my own father ageing and slowing down.  It scared me even though I know that we all age and that he will be 80 this coming year.  I spent all the time that I could with him, my mother and my brother. I am so afraid of losing him like my friend Roni has lost her father.  I felt like crying a few times, but held it in because I was afraid if I started, I would never stop.  

   My Jeff, Josh and Jaysn helped my parents and brother trenched in an underground electric fence around an acre of land.  It was a huge job and it took them all day.  Everyone was exhausted by the time it was done.  Rachel made a wonderful dinner for everyone and she and I took care of baby Steven.  I did go into town once with my father that day to pick up something and helped him with a few small projects also.  I took great delight in seeing my parents and my brother with our grandson Steven.  It was the first time they had met him.  My mother snuggled that baby every chance she got!  How precious is the time that great grandparents have with their great grandchildren.  It is a gift that so many do not have the chance to share.

   While in Montana, my parents took us for a ride on their boat.  We stopped at a tiny island in the lake and I found a heart shaped rock.  I have a sweet friend who lost her mother some years back and feels like her mother leaves her messages that she is still there through random heart shaped things.  I found a heart shaped rock just waiting there on that little island and picked it up for her.  Yesterday, we stopped in at her place of work and I told her I had something for her from her sweet momma.  I gave her the rock and she was visibly moved.  She shared with me that it was 8 years to the day since her mother died and later also shared how much that rock meant to her since she has been having a rough day.  It was just another reassurance to her that her mom was still there looking out for and loving her.  I know in my heart that rock was placed there for me to find just for her.

   Jeff, Josh and I came home yesterday.  Josh will be leaving to go back to Washington DC on Sunday and Chris will be going back for a week with him.  I am treasuring my time with Josh and encouraging him to spend time with his friends and not feel like he has to spend all his time with us.  I know that is important to him and as his mother, I need to make sure that he knows that I want him to do that also.  He and Jeff are spending the morning today golfing.  It is their special thing to do together and something that I know they both look forward to. While they are out doing that, I am here trying to get caught up on the laundry and spending some much needed time alone.  Everything is catching up with me, especially my emotions which I have been trying to keep pushed deep down. I am on edge and my son Josh can sense it.  He does understand that part of it is due to my illnesses but another part is me trying to be strong for everyone else and all that we have been dealing with.  I am on the verge of another panic attack and I am hoping I can just have a good cry this morning while he and Jeff are gone and let it all out.  I know I need that but am so afraid of falling apart right now.  I may just have to take a shower and let it all out then.  I don't know why but I seem to feel safe letting it all out in the shower.  Maybe it's because the water washes away my tears and muffles the sounds of my sobs.  I just know that something has to give before we all get together again tonight.  I do not want to fall apart at the bowling alley.  Josh will be spending tonight with Chris, Heather and the little boys.  It has become a tradition for Uncle Josh to have a sleepover with the little boys every time he comes home for a visit. That is another thing that I treasure...seeing him and them have something special just for them.  He was saying that when Steven is a bit older, he wants to do that with him too.  He is a very good uncle to all of his nephews and I know one day he will be a great daddy to his own children.

   I suppose I should go and get more things done around here.  This afternoon and evening will be a busy one for us and filled with lots of people.  I know I will be fine in the long run...I just need to let all these pent up emotions out and grieve for the loss of Mel, the finality of decisions that had to be made with my husband's parents and that situation, and with seeing my own father ageing so quickly before my eyes.  It is utterly overwhelming me.  Hug your loved ones and make sure they know how precious they are to you.  Be blessed and thank you again my friends for your love, encouragement, understanding, prayers and good thoughts.

   

20 comments:

  1. Welcome home. Take good care of yourself. You're in my prayers. SJ

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    1. Thank you my friend. It is good to be home again and to be able to cuddle with my furbabies too. :) Are you getting a last blast of Summer up your way? We are here but it should be gone by this weekend.

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  2. A good cry in the shower works for me. Enjoy your family time. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

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    1. Thank you Delorise. I did finally break down in the shower and it felt good to just let it all out. Be blessed!

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  3. Just checking in again. From your comment above - I'm glad you had this time to take care of yourself. Be gentle.

    To answer your question - it's supposed to be 80o today but doesn't feel that warm. It is glorious - just a hint of fall in all this sunshine. The forecast is for rain starting Friday and to continue through the weekend.

    I've been oh-so-slowly starting to put my gardens to bed for the winter. Went to one this morning for about 10minutes (did I say often enough that I'm doing this slowly..lol). I just needed a little time outside. Yesterday I had a phone appointment-follow-up with my new doctor. Last time I talked with him, I was wiped out from the mental exertion. We only talked 30minutes this time so I'm in much better shape today. Well,,, I was in bed last night at 630 and fast asleep by 8pm. I guess it's all relative right?
    Will close here...still praying for you.
    SJ

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    1. Thank you for your prayers my friend. :) I am glad that you were able to get outside for awhile. I know it sure helps my mood.

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  4. Time with loved ones really is precious. I see my own Mum only once or twice a year as she lives so far away. Whenever I see her, I also notice the changes in her, the things that are getting harder for her but I also notice the things that remain the same. Her resilience, her energy and her kindness. When I am with her I appreciate that time so very much. As you take care of the people who mean so much to you, make sure you keep on finding a little time for yourself to let those emotions out and find some peace. My best wishes to you. Meg Xxx

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    1. Thank you Meg for your sweet comments and reminder to focus on all the good things we still see in our parents and not on their ageing. :)

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  5. Hi Debbie, I know how you feel.
    I lost my parents in 2010. My mom died in May and my dad in December, on the 26th.
    It was so hard... I cried a lot (yes, I also "like" to cry in the shower. It conforts me and helps me to pour out my heart) but I know in my heart, that they are with God. That is my faith.
    And although I didn't have a very happy and loved childhood, I still miss them.
    My mom had me when she was 37, so I got to see them age. And when we see our parents not being able to do everything on their own, like they used to, it's a very scary and sad feeling.
    But that is the order of life. As we grow older, we slow down, but we never want to see that happen to our loved ones, right?
    So, trust in God to protect them and that their golden days, will be happy and spent with their loved ones.
    I have to read your previous blog posts (I'm waaaayyy behind on my blog reading) and I'll be praying for you and your family, my friend.
    Be blessed and receive a virtual but very tight hug!

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    1. Paula, I am so sorry that you lost both your parents so close together. That is heartbreaking. (((((HUGS)))))

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    2. Paula, I cannot find a way to comment on your latest blog post at your blog. Did you disable comments?

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    3. Yes Debbie, because I was changing some things, but they are up again, if you want to comment.
      I haven't read your last post, but I hope your feeling better and with a lighter heart!
      :)

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  6. My heart goes out to you. I lost my dad two years ago this week. I see my mom going down hill every time I go up to visit. I wish she would move here with us but wants to stay where she is for my baby brother (he's 52)- her youngest even though he and his wife of 32 years should be standing on there own she thinks she needs to take care of them. Sometimes you just have to let it go and be there for them the best way you can. I see her 3-4 times a year for a few weeks each time. My health and finances don't allow for much more. You are so right about loving your loved ones while they are here. A friend was in Hawaii 9 years ago with her husband and he dropped dead of a heart attack. Very unexpected. so a hug, a kiss, an "I love you" are always a good thing. Take care. Prayers are with you.

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    1. (((((HUGS))))) Crystal. That letting go is a hard thing isn't it, but needs to be done. I am going to try and make it a priority to go and visit my parents at least twice a year. They also come here about 3 times a year of more so that gives us lots of time to enjoy each other and make more memories.

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  7. Debbie my heart goes out to you. I want to wrap you up in a big Granny Jane hug and tell you all will be well with your world. However I cant do that on the other side of the world. Have your breakdown. Have it with your family. They know you are struggling. They know there are going to be physical ramifications of your struggle. They know you want to deal with it on your own, but also want to be there for you as you are for them. Don't feel weak because you have a breakdown. Your family is a strong and tight knit one. When one strand gets a little frayed the others hold it all together. Much love and big cyber hugs.

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    1. Awww...thank you Jane. I did have my breakdown in the shower and then another with just my husband. This morning as I gave my twins big hugs as they set off for Washington DC they could see me struggling with a fibro flare and also with having to say goodbye to one for a year and being excited for the other one to be able to join his brother for a week and see so many wonderful new things. Both the boys were very gentle with me and I even got an extra "I love you Mom" from Josh. That made my morning since I don't get to see him but once a year now.

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  8. Take good care of yourself during this time, Debbie. Don't ignore your needs while you attend to everyone else. (((HUGS)))

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    1. Thank you Bless. I have been trying to do just that. This week will be one of taking care of me (and my baby grandson Steven on Wednesday, but her brings me great joy). My oldest grandsons will be on vacation with their mom and grandma but I was blessed to have lots of time with them this past week and yesterday too!

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  9. I was going to suggest that if all else fails, put on a really sappy movie and let the tears flow. Sometimes, I've found myself crying much too hard over fictitious characters, but it doesn't bother anyone if they think I'm crying over a movie:) Thank goodness for husbands, when they lend a listening ear. That's what helps me the most--talking it over with Rob.

    I'm glad you got to see the family.

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    1. Becky, I have been known to do that too. ;)

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