Thank You

 


   

   Thank you all for your sweet support and love at the loss of our dear friend/hanai family member Mel.  I read all of your comments but got overwhelmed so I did not respond to each one individually.  I was just trying to hold it all together and remain strong for his family.  I have yet to totally let down and grieve.  We went from dealing with all the emotions of that to going to Montana to spend time with my parents and brother there.  I could see my own father ageing and slowing down.  It scared me even though I know that we all age and that he will be 80 this coming year.  I spent all the time that I could with him, my mother and my brother. I am so afraid of losing him like my friend Roni has lost her father.  I felt like crying a few times, but held it in because I was afraid if I started, I would never stop.  

   My Jeff, Josh and Jaysn helped my parents and brother trenched in an underground electric fence around an acre of land.  It was a huge job and it took them all day.  Everyone was exhausted by the time it was done.  Rachel made a wonderful dinner for everyone and she and I took care of baby Steven.  I did go into town once with my father that day to pick up something and helped him with a few small projects also.  I took great delight in seeing my parents and my brother with our grandson Steven.  It was the first time they had met him.  My mother snuggled that baby every chance she got!  How precious is the time that great grandparents have with their great grandchildren.  It is a gift that so many do not have the chance to share.

   While in Montana, my parents took us for a ride on their boat.  We stopped at a tiny island in the lake and I found a heart shaped rock.  I have a sweet friend who lost her mother some years back and feels like her mother leaves her messages that she is still there through random heart shaped things.  I found a heart shaped rock just waiting there on that little island and picked it up for her.  Yesterday, we stopped in at her place of work and I told her I had something for her from her sweet momma.  I gave her the rock and she was visibly moved.  She shared with me that it was 8 years to the day since her mother died and later also shared how much that rock meant to her since she has been having a rough day.  It was just another reassurance to her that her mom was still there looking out for and loving her.  I know in my heart that rock was placed there for me to find just for her.

   Jeff, Josh and I came home yesterday.  Josh will be leaving to go back to Washington DC on Sunday and Chris will be going back for a week with him.  I am treasuring my time with Josh and encouraging him to spend time with his friends and not feel like he has to spend all his time with us.  I know that is important to him and as his mother, I need to make sure that he knows that I want him to do that also.  He and Jeff are spending the morning today golfing.  It is their special thing to do together and something that I know they both look forward to. While they are out doing that, I am here trying to get caught up on the laundry and spending some much needed time alone.  Everything is catching up with me, especially my emotions which I have been trying to keep pushed deep down. I am on edge and my son Josh can sense it.  He does understand that part of it is due to my illnesses but another part is me trying to be strong for everyone else and all that we have been dealing with.  I am on the verge of another panic attack and I am hoping I can just have a good cry this morning while he and Jeff are gone and let it all out.  I know I need that but am so afraid of falling apart right now.  I may just have to take a shower and let it all out then.  I don't know why but I seem to feel safe letting it all out in the shower.  Maybe it's because the water washes away my tears and muffles the sounds of my sobs.  I just know that something has to give before we all get together again tonight.  I do not want to fall apart at the bowling alley.  Josh will be spending tonight with Chris, Heather and the little boys.  It has become a tradition for Uncle Josh to have a sleepover with the little boys every time he comes home for a visit. That is another thing that I treasure...seeing him and them have something special just for them.  He was saying that when Steven is a bit older, he wants to do that with him too.  He is a very good uncle to all of his nephews and I know one day he will be a great daddy to his own children.

   I suppose I should go and get more things done around here.  This afternoon and evening will be a busy one for us and filled with lots of people.  I know I will be fine in the long run...I just need to let all these pent up emotions out and grieve for the loss of Mel, the finality of decisions that had to be made with my husband's parents and that situation, and with seeing my own father ageing so quickly before my eyes.  It is utterly overwhelming me.  Hug your loved ones and make sure they know how precious they are to you.  Be blessed and thank you again my friends for your love, encouragement, understanding, prayers and good thoughts.