I wanted to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who commented, prayed for and/or held our family in your thoughts after the recent passing of Jeff's mother. I know it has taken me awhile to get back on here, but I was and still am totally "beat up" emotionally by the whole mess. When I have to deal with complicated relationships and emotions, it takes me awhile to work through them.
Last night Jeff and I were talking and I shared with him that although he was able to process things faster than I was because he could see the truth of it all (yes, that man is super smart and can separate his emotions from a situation to see the big picture), it took me a lot longer to reach that point. It was only when we were talking that I finally realized that my deep empathy for others when they were hurting, no matter how much they had hurt those I love and myself, can be a huge curse at times. I told Jeff that there is something deep within me that feels like I have to try everything I can to "fix it" and bring people back together again. Jeff interrupted me and said "you did". That stopped me dead in my tracks because it made me realize that although I tried everything, the other parties continued their bad and hurtful behavior. There was and is nothing I can do to "fix it" and to continue to try and to do so is just insanity on my part.
Without going into all the sordid details of this whole mess and the battle taking place between "the others", of which we want no part, suffice it to say that all of this has triggered a rather bad "fibro flare" along with some of my PTSD symptoms. My pain levels have shot up (fibro), my emotions have been all over the place, there are times that I have no energy and am depressed, sad, angry and strangely relieved. I have withdrawn from all but family and a few close friends who are going through a lot themselves and need support, and am avoiding other people for the most part because I need to heal too. My energy needs to go into those I love and the running of my home.
I realize that it may take awhile to fully heal and that it is possible that I may never get to that point. I think there may always be an element of hurt and betrayal from all the years of pure hell that "the others" put us through. I also know that I need to "shut the door" on that chapter of our lives and move on. Easier said than done, but I am trying.
Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your outpouring of love, support, prayers and good thoughts. I am praying for your situations too and I am so sorry for all that some of you have gone through. ((((((HUGS)))))
thank you....those hugs are very appreciated. :)Delete
You're back!! Answer to my prayers. Take all the time you need to heal. I've found in my life that healing is anything but linear. Dips and valleys and many many times around the same mountain. Just be kind to yourself -- shut the gate to the outside world. I only wish I could be there in real time to give you a hug and perhaps a pan of something yummy for dinner. Hugs and prayers, SJ in Vancouver BC Canada.....And here's a hint of my life lately -- counting down the 10 days until I move to California!!ReplyDelete
((((((HUGS))))) and I am so excited for you! I'm glad you will be closer to loved ones.Delete
And a little rural church that i felt at home in the first time I visited. I'll be an apartment in a 'seniors' complext -- but one fo the youngest living there at 65yo. Neighbors in their 80s-90s. About 10 minutes from my closest friends and 4-5 hour drive to cousins, neices/nephews, SIL and stepsister. And affordable and dog friendly. A true answer to prayer.Delete
I think you really got lucky with your apartment. It should be calm and quiet for the most part and I would think that you will have some very interesting conversations with your neighbors. :)Delete
You are good people and you need to just stay away from TOXIC people! These people sound toxic. I have no time or energy to deal with that stuff - you shouldn't either. Gi forth and continue to do good and just be happy with your little family unit. Truly that is all you need.ReplyDelete
Thank you Cheryl. You have been such a great source of support and inspiration. :)Delete
Hugs. You can't "fix" people and situations; you can only deal with what you can control and that is yourself and how you react.ReplyDelete
Very true my friend...and a lesson that I took a long time to learn.Delete
I haven’t posted before but I enjoy your blog. I work with individuals with disabilities and often visit day programs. I’m a fixer too- are you a first born? It seems like a lot of fixers are. Sometimes I have to temper myself and tell Nan it’s none of her business. That of course is hard for me- plus I’m 75 so have a lot of ‘knowledge’ between my ears. Just got to let it go sometimes….NanReplyDelete
Welcome Nan and yes, I am the first born. It fell to me to help raise my younger brothers and take care of our home until I left for college. (((((((HUGS))))))Delete