Last week I had lunch with one of my hanai daughters and she shared something with me that I have really been pondering. She told me that she misses living in Germany where people are really open and honest about things. She said when you ask someone there how they are doing, they tell you the truth and don't try to pretend everything is okay when it is not. She said they really do listen and want to know how you are doing also. Moving back to America has been hard for her because everyone seems to be so busy and really not care how you are really doing and they cover up the truth about how they are also. There is a serious lack on "connection" here in our culture.
She and I got really deep with each other on what was going on in our lives and our struggles. It was good to be able to share with each other and to empathize and be supportive of one another. I came away from our lunch feeling like we really had made a difference in each others lives that day and felt understood and supported. She and I share some of the same struggles and I would have never known that if we had just done the "surface" kind of talk and not gone deep. Her sharing with me. along with another friend this weekend sharing his struggles, has encouraged me to finally admit that I need more help managing my anxiety and depression issues. I am extremely grateful to both of them for that.
I am going to bare my soul here so please be kind. I am struggling with major anxiety and panic attacks, along with depression, more and more lately. I do recognize what is triggering it most of the time. There is a lot of stress in our lives due to outside influences and as much as I try to avoid them, they rear up their ugly heads and down I go. I am really good in a crisis situation on being there for others and keeping them calm, but have a really hard time even thinking rationally when it comes to handling my own health issues. Routine health screenings send me into a panic which, given my childhood with a horrible worst case scenario doctor telling me I was going to die, not be able to have kids, etc., being dropped off at a very young age at the doctor's office to get painful monthly penicillin shots, being dropped off at the hospital for blood work and x-rays, and having to go through surgery as a young child and being left alone without a parent there to comfort me for 2 nights and just a few hours during the day has left deep scars on me. As an adult, I have gone through ultrasounds and painful breast and uterine biopsies (twice on that before I finally got a hysterectomy) that have left me shaken and scared to death every time I now have a mammogram because I am terrified of having to go through that pain and the debilitating anxiety it produces. It took me 6 months to recover from my last breast biopsy due to being allergic to the tape they used that I was allergic too and burned my skin so badly. The numbing medication also wore off during the biopsy and they had to keep giving me more mid procedure. That left me with tears streaming down my face and triggered a huge crash in my health. My husband was not allowed to be there with me in the room while they were doing it so even with anti anxiety meds, I was a wreck. The nurse that was holding onto my hand was wonderful and tried her best to keep me calm and my surgeon got all the calcifications out that he could see so that I would hopefully not have to go through this again. I had a mammogram this Monday and they would not allow my husband to be in the room behind the protective screen like they did last time to help keep me calm and am having severe anxiety now waiting for the results. even if it was just a routine screening. So was the one where I ended up having to have the biopsy. And yes, I had to take anti anxiety meds to even go to the appointment.
I have an appointment for routine blood work and a physical this coming Monday with my very much appreciated, gentle, caring and compassionate doctor. Jeff is going with me, as he always does, to help keep me semi calm, remember things that I cannot, find the words to say when I cannot find them or get them from my brain to my mouth. I know that I will fall apart emotionally again and we will have the difficult conversation about how I need more help dealing with my anxiety issues and the depression that comes with that. My doctor has been very good about supporting me in my decisions on how I want to try and cope with things and has given me great suggestions and the space and time to try and figure out what does and does not work for me. He is amazing and I am very very blessed to have him. I fully realize that many people do not have a doctor that understands that their patients with CFS and Fibromyalgia (along with many other illnesses) do not just have physical pain but emotional ones as well. I do have days where I feel happy and have it together, but the bad days, where I do not, are becoming more and more frequent. I need to be totally honest with myself and get some more help dealing with this and not pretend that I am okay when I am not. I owe that to my family, my friends and to myself.
Oh my, hugs dear lady.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way that you can just have NO contact what so ever from those family that cause grief?
I as a sickly child, scarlet fever, rheumatic fever, anemia, 2 hospital stays, etc. I remember penicillin shots every month from 6 to 18. I have managed to become a healthy adult - thank God.
You sound like you really do need some extra help. No one wants to admit that - but professionals know what they are doing. Also GIVE IT TO GOD. I know you know that, and it is easy to say, but that is the only thing that gets me through some days.
God bless you. Please know you are in my prayers.
Cheryl, I had no idea that you had to have those painful shots as a child too. (((((((HUGS)))))) They finally switched me to bicillin pills around age 14 and I was so grateful.
DeleteAs for the NO contact, unfortunately, they are still contacting us after saying they want no contact or going through our kids.
I do try to give it over to God but I also know that I still need additional help. :)
With all the medical crap you have been through - no wonder you have anxiety and depression about it! As a fellow Fibro sufferer you are right, most Drs don't have a clue. Only the one who diagnosed me in another city did, no DR since. My Mom has fibro so she is the one person on the planet who completely understands what I mean when I have a "all my skin hurts" kind of day, nice to have that. Hugs!
ReplyDelete(((((((HUGS))))) back to you. Fibro and CFS, along with so many other diseases that cause pain, brain fog, anxiety, etc. are miserable and so many people don't understand. I'm glad your mother can be a support to you and I am really sorry that both you and she have it. Praying for you.
DeleteHalf the battle is admitting that you might need some help. Praying that you can find the right balance of help to get you to a better place. I know many would say stay away from those stress triggers, but I know that is easier said then done. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThank you Wendi, you are always so encouraging and I really do appreciate you my friend. (((((HUGS)))))
DeleteOh, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel.
I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which manifests in Health Anxiety.
My most stressful trigger is my mammogram.
I get horrible anxiety about it weeks in advance.
I think the worst during the appointment.
And after too.
My husband also comes to all my doctor appointments with me.
For a very long time, I hid my anxiety.
Finally, I realized that it did not define me. It was part of me.
And...I had such a bad panic attack that I had to ask for help.
I now take daily medicine for it, and it really helps!
I also talk about it freely, in hopes that others will find comfort in their anxiety.
I wish I could hug you now...
Hugs.
And give it to God. That really helps. : )
Billie Jo, you and I are so alike in so many ways. Thank you for being so open and honest with your struggles as well. It really does help to know that we are not alone in this and that you and I are both blessed by wonderful and supportive husbands too. ((((((HUGS))))
DeleteI am so sorry you are suffering with this. It is not your fault. I too had a sickly childhood, but I was told I was not sick and was not really cared for when I became really sick over and over. My mother hates sick people and refuses to see that they are sick. If you had an ear infection you were yelled at for waking her up and yelled at all the way to the emergency room. We rarely went to the doctor because she didn't pay the bills. Childhood sickness was more mentally awful than anything. Stay away from those who aggravate your condition? Hub's family irritates me with their judgement so I avoid them on social media. Mostly because I cannot keep my mouth shut when I see or hear their ridiculous behavior. You go girl and tell them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that about your childhood. My heart just aches for you. (((((HUGS)))) Your stick it where the sun doesn't shine really made me giggle...you are fiesty woman! :)
Delete(((HUGS))) Debbie. I hope you are able to get the support you need. I hope all your screening tests show normal results and there won't be anything to cause any concerns. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you Bless, I got the results this afternoon and everything is normal thank God! Your strength having gone through my worst fear always inspires and amazes me. Continued prayers for you my friend.
DeleteHello - thank you for sharing about your anxiety and panic. I have PTSD with panic attacks, anxiety, I have OCD and some agoraphobia. I lived thru an abusive childhood and at age 16 - went with the first boy who looked in my direction - leaving me as a teen mom - he physically abused me, threatened me and my daughter for years till the day he died when my daughter was 14. All the damage was done and I began experiencing terrible panic attacks at age 21. With your childhood experiences - it does sound like you also have PTSD. Knowing others suffer with this helps to realize we are not alone, I am praying for you. Thank you again for sharing and I truly love your blog. Since I am home much of the time (I work from home, some agorphobia), blogs allow me to see pictures of other people's homes, lives, different places, etc.
ReplyDeleteMeme, I am truly sorry for all that you have gone through in your life. I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks after reading this. I do think I have PTSD, but I have never been officially diagnosed with it (yet). I do pray that you and your daughter are getting the help and support that you both need and deserve. My prayers are with you both.
DeleteSending ((Hugs)) and prayers. Also sent an email.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of something I read online that said, essentially, that some people with CFS will have an adverse reaction to certain anesthetics. And/or may need a different dose then healthy people. Don't know if that applies to Fibro as well but something to discuss with your GP perhaps.
Hugs, SJ
Thanks SJ and thank you for your email too. :) That is interesting about the anesthetics. I know that I talked to my surgeon before I had my hysterectomy about my past reactions and he assured me that the one that I was going to be having would not cause a bad reaction. I can't remember the name of what was used but he was right, I was fine with this one and came out of it quickly. Be blessed my friend!
DeleteDebbie, you poor thing dealing with all this anxiety! I do have panic attacks at times, usually when I'm not taking care of myself properly. I've been using essential oils to help me through the worst days, and I try to treat myself well on those bad days - herbal tea, lots of water, vitamins, eat healthy - it helps me a lot. Good luck my friend, hope the results come back good from the mammo!
ReplyDeleteThank you Debbie, I got the results this afternoon and I am fine thank God! I am sorry that you also deal with panic attacks...it is miserable. I'm using my Scentsy again to fill the air with calming and beautiful fragrance and have found some soothing harp music on YouTube that also helps calm me. I have it playing in the background most of the time now. Be blessed my friend and I pray that you will feel nothing but peace and calm.
DeleteI completely get where you are coming from and I am so glad you have a compassionate and understanding doctor, not to mention you supportive husband. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, just email me. You have a friend. Take care and I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, you are so sweet and I really appreciate your offer. I hope you and the girls have a wonderful weekend. :)
DeleteI think one of the most frustrating parts of anxiety to me is that there is no logic to it! When it hits, it hits, and all the talking to oneself in the world makes no difference at all!!! Somehow, I always think I should be able to talk myself out of my anxious thoughts. But, I can't. Although I'm doing pretty good right now with anxiety, I can remember a time when I was so overcome with it.....not fun! Medical things make me crazy, too:). I'm glad your mammogram came back good, whew!!!
ReplyDeleteYou may have PTSD, due to things that have happened, and not even know it. I know one time, I was sitting in an interview, being interview by a DHS caseworker as part of the process of our last adoption (of Patsy) and we heard a large disturbance in the hallway. The caseworker jumped up, and I basically did the same. We were both going to "fix" whatever that was! He turned to me and said, "You know you have PTSD, don't you?" Well, no, I didn't! He then explained that it was from all the years of dealing with the issues we had dealt with, and was normal for what we've been through. (We've adopted 8 kids through the state, and many of them have given us a LOT of grief, plus had multiple family and personal issues that scarred and impacted us--all in our DHS file, of course, which is how he knew about them).
It's a crazy life, but we are making it through--one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. On the hard days, it helps me to remind myself of that--I don't have to live tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I just have to live today, and live it the best I can. Hang in there:). You are making it, too!
Thank you Becky for sharing and for always being there to support me too. Several people have mentioned over the years that they thought I has PTSD but I have never been officially diagnosed since I kept so much locked up inside me for years. Two of my friends, who are in the mental health field, have said they think I do suffer from it also.
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