Thursday, September 12, 2019

No More Dr. Phil for Me

   It is no secret that I do not sleep well at all.  It has gotten to the point where I am not falling asleep until Jeff gets home around 5:30ish in the morning now.  Even then, my dreams are strange and at times very scary.  I started thinking about it and really taking a good look at what was going on in my dreams and realized that it is all Dr. Phil's fault.  This is said tongue in cheek, but there is a grain of truth to it.

   Since I don't sleep at night, I have been watching Dr. Phil on YouTube and boy is it bringing up all kinds of issues for me.  A lot of his shows revolve around child abuse and sexual abuse and exploitation.  Having been a victim of child molestation myself, which led to all kinds of maladaptive behaviors, I can relate to so many of his guests.  It also takes me down trails in my mind that I do not want to go down again.

   Yes, I have been in counseling for a lot of this, but there are still some "doors" that remain locked and closed because I am not strong enough to deal with them in my waking hours.  It seems those doors are opened at night in my dreams though and I wake up with full on panic attacks.  

   Some door should remain closed.  There is no need to open them and go through the horrific pain again.  I have blocked many of those memories for good reason.  I have worked hard to come to the point where I am able to get myself through panic attacks and be a more possitive person on a regular basis.  The last thing I need is for me to spiral down that big black drain of depression again.

   So no more Dr. Phil for me.  I just can't deal with it right now.  With the news so focused on the horrible sexual explotation of children by Jeffrey Epstien and his cronies, it is more than I can handle.  My heart aches for all the victims and I hope and pray that every single person involved in the abuse is jailed for life! Yes, I feel very strongly about all of this because what I went through is just a tiny fraction of what they went through and I live with the damage done to me every single day of my life. I cannot even imagine how those victims are even able to function.  Please keep them all in your prayers and that justice is served for them...they deserve at least that.

   

8 comments:

  1. I agree - no more Dr. Phil for you. We just have to stay away from things that cause us discomfort. There are so many things that I can not watch now that I am alone. I can't watch shows I used to watch with my husband or hear certain songs.
    I have been spending my time watching some mindless TV shows when I need to fall asleep.

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    1. ((((((HUGS)))))) Cheryl. Praying for you my friend.

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  2. This is why I can't watch or read books about the Jewish labor camps. Too close to home. I get really depressed. So I just avoid things I know will upset me like that. There is enough in the world to upset us, why bring in more?

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    1. I hear you on the Jewish labor camps also. Hits way to close to home for me also. (((((HUGS)))))

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  3. on a medical aside, crazy vivid dreams and nightmares can be a result of low blood sugar. I know you suffer with many medical issues. I am in no way undermining your past history and having to deal with a lot of bad things (I can't fathom how you cope but I admire your inner strength and your amazing supportive immediate family). I hope the bad dreams go away and allow you to get restful, restorative sleep. Take Care, Barb

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    1. Thank you Barb for that information. I did not realize there was a connection there. I do usually eat something high protein, like cottage cheese or yogurt, about an hour before I go to bed, but some nights I forget to do that.

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  4. I agree, Debbie; no more Dr. Phil for you! :) (((HUGS)))

    It was past 4:30 a.m. when I went to sleep, last night (and the night before and the night before that!) I don't watch TV though, when I can't sleep. I just lie there and meditate and eventually, I fall asleep. I do loving-kindness meditation - which starts with yourself and then, moves out in ever widening circles, my child, family members, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, community, etc.

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    1. HI BLess, I'm sorry you are having trouble sleeping also. I love your idea about the loving-kindness meditations. I am going to try that tonight. :)

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