It is no secret that I do not sleep well at all. It has gotten to the point where I am not falling asleep until Jeff gets home around 5:30ish in the morning now. Even then, my dreams are strange and at times very scary. I started thinking about it and really taking a good look at what was going on in my dreams and realized that it is all Dr. Phil's fault. This is said tongue in cheek, but there is a grain of truth to it.
Since I don't sleep at night, I have been watching Dr. Phil on YouTube and boy is it bringing up all kinds of issues for me. A lot of his shows revolve around child abuse and sexual abuse and exploitation. Having been a victim of child molestation myself, which led to all kinds of maladaptive behaviors, I can relate to so many of his guests. It also takes me down trails in my mind that I do not want to go down again.
Yes, I have been in counseling for a lot of this, but there are still some "doors" that remain locked and closed because I am not strong enough to deal with them in my waking hours. It seems those doors are opened at night in my dreams though and I wake up with full on panic attacks.
Some door should remain closed. There is no need to open them and go through the horrific pain again. I have blocked many of those memories for good reason. I have worked hard to come to the point where I am able to get myself through panic attacks and be a more possitive person on a regular basis. The last thing I need is for me to spiral down that big black drain of depression again.
So no more Dr. Phil for me. I just can't deal with it right now. With the news so focused on the horrible sexual explotation of children by Jeffrey Epstien and his cronies, it is more than I can handle. My heart aches for all the victims and I hope and pray that every single person involved in the abuse is jailed for life! Yes, I feel very strongly about all of this because what I went through is just a tiny fraction of what they went through and I live with the damage done to me every single day of my life. I cannot even imagine how those victims are even able to function. Please keep them all in your prayers and that justice is served for them...they deserve at least that.