Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Pushed that "Reset Button" and Doing Better Emotionally

 



   Sometimes we all need something big to happen to help us push that reset button and sometimes it is a series of smaller things that lead us to that moment.  I recently had both.  

   It is no secret that I have been struggling emotionally and physically for some time now.  I have been taking needed steps to try and get into a better place in both areas but was still having trouble "letting go" of an ongoing and very unhealthy extended family issue that has been taking a huge toll on all of us.  There was still a place in my heart that wondered if there was any hope that there would be a softening of hearts and accountability taken for hurtful personal choices made by others that have been made to cause great emotional pain to my husband, kids, grandkids and myself.  I learned within the past few weeks due to another incident that things are beyond hope and that the lies, "playing the victim and martyr", etc. are just getting worse by the ones causing the issues in the first place and that they are definitely not going to change.  Strangely, that has brought some relief because now my husband and I no longer play the "what if" game, as in what if his parents were hospitalized or on their deathbed, would he even be allowed to see them.  Now we know that we would be blocked from seeing one of them (and they would be told that we did not want to see them which is NOT true) and that the other one does not want to see my husband (and especially not me) at all and that, as usual, it is all my fault for even breathing.  Yep, apparently they are still using me as the scapegoat for all their bad personal choices in life.  It is interesting to me though that they exposed exactly what they are doing to the one person in my immediate family that they still had a relationship with and that person called them out on all of it.  It really hurt my husband to the core to find out what they were still saying and doing, but I think the not knowing if he would be allowed to ever see them and if he would be turned away on the spot hurt more than now knowing for sure that even if they were dying, we were not to be told anything.  It is just another way to drive that knife deeper into his heart and to again play the martyr on their end.  That is their choice and they have to live with the consequences of it.  There is nothing we can do to change things when the other party/parties, just use whatever they can to continue to try and cause pain to our family.  We refused to continue to stupidly "invest" and participate in the head games they were playing and that made them angry.  So yes, as hurtful as it is, we can now have some closure on that issue and hopefully put it all behind us.

   The other thing that happened that really helped was being able to totally get away for awhile and experience new things with no responsibilities whatsoever.  We just got back from a wonderful vacation in Las Vegas where our son Josh and his beautiful future bride Lauren generously hosted us.  We stayed at their home and were able to meet up with some of my childhood friends, were gifted a beautiful cd that my friend Gary and his family just recorded, had one of my hanai sons over for lunch, reconnected with one of my cousins, checked out another cousin's new restaurant, ate way too much good food, and got to explore both Red Rocks Canyon and Zion National Park.  Josh and Lauren built in days of rest for me in between our big outings, which I really appreciated, and allowed me to be able to do as much as we did.  Traveling there and back was difficult for me and caused me high levels of pain that even Hydrocodone was not touching, but it was so worth it!

   As much fun as we had, it was also wonderful to return home and be with our fur babies, see our Jaysn, Rachel and Steven waiting for us with open arms at the airport and to know that we will be seeing the rest of our family, including my parents who will be here visiting, in a few days.  We will be celebrating our oldest son's birthday too! 

   All of this has driven home the point more than ever that real family is based on the love and respect you have for one another even if you have differing opinions.  Our hanai (adopted by love) family is so important to us and mean the world to us also.  We have chosen to be "family" to one another and invested in those relationships and to be honest, I would be lost without them. 

   So here I am pushing that reset button while I putter around my home once more and being oh so thankful for for both the good and the bad that has led me to this moment in time.  It has given me clarity, peace of mind on some issues and a deep appreciation for real family and share experiences with them.  Yes, I am doing so much better emotionally now. 

25 comments:

  1. we sure can't avoid the good, the bad, and the ugly. Family can be anyone we want them to be - not always by blood.
    There are people in this world that are so self absorbed and controlling it is pitiful. It seems you have some that want to control everyone and every thing. You are so correct to walk away.
    IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Take back your control and move forward.

    I am so glad you got a vacation and enjoyed yourselves. Bravo! Take care and let that body rest and heal. So glad to see you post.
    Hugs and love.

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    1. Thank you Cheryl. It feels good to finally have closure on that whole situation. Getting away was just what we needed. :) My parents arrive today for a quick visit and I am so excited to see them. Be blessed my friend!

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  2. Debbie in the U.P.October 24, 2018 at 4:23 PM

    Toxic relationships are just that, toxic. It doesn’t matter if they’re related. Happy to hear that you’ve made the best decision for you! May you find peace at last!

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  3. My dear,there are toxic people in the world. Unfortunately,many of us are related to them. My parents were horrible people. We grew up
    Unloved,beaten and abused in ways I don't want to speak of.
    I tried to make my mother love me,it was what I wanted deeply.
    She was just,evil. I just walked away one day. I am free of the poison that dripped from both of them. I can not recommended doing this enough. Why drag nasty, vicious people around with you. Don't
    Let these people control one more moment of your life. You have a beautiful,loving family. Great friends, a fulfilling happy life.
    Spend your days enjoying them. Be blessed my friend.

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    1. I am so very sorry to hear about your awful and painful childhood. (((((((HUGS)))))). Praying for you my friend!

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  4. I'm glad to hear you are doing ok, and had a wonderful vacation. It seems like all of your cousins, nephew, etc. have interesting business--a 2nd hand store, a restaurant, etc. You are all set among your family:).

    It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy to deal with such sad, troubling situations. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm glad you are working through it, but I know it's hard.

    I hope your week ahead is great and you enjoy puttering around home again. It's always fun after a vacation to just be home, I know.

    Have a great week! Glad to see you back posting. I've missed your posts.

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    1. We really are set! ;) It has been hard to work through that awful situation but we now have closure and can move on. No more wondering about things. It is what it is and we have to protect ourselves. Thanks for the welcome home and I look forward to getting caught up in the next few weeks on your life too!

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    2. I thought you'd like to be the first to know that one of my daughters went to Hawaii today to work and live for a little while. She was offered a job there and decided it would be her great adventure, so she went. She is on Maui, and I'll pass on any tips you would like to offer.

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    3. That is so great! Maui is beautiful. Have her check out the Seven Sacred Pools there...so pretty!

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  5. I am so glad your trip to Las Vegas went well. And lifted your spirits.
    I know it's hard to walk away from people we once loved and had a relationship with. But it's needed some times. I could relate to so much of what you wrote and in the comments. Toxic people should be avoided but it can be hard to do what's needed.

    All is well here. I am a week into the new meds and no side effects. Not seeing any improvements yet but the plan is to be on the meds for 6 months so I'm just at the beginning.
    Cheers, SJ

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    1. Thanks SJ and I know you understand all too well. So glad to hear the new meds are not giving you side effects and I do hope you see improvements soon.

      Much love!

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  6. I too have toxic relatives and I know how much damage they can cause. But you keep your head up girl as you are not responsible. Don't make me come up there and slap some sense into you because I will. I love you and I am so happy with this posy as I know you are all right.

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    1. You make me smile and yes, I know you would! ;) I am doing so much better and ready to move on and focus on the positive things in my life. :)

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  7. My mother (who doesn't speak to her brother for very good reasons) says that just because you're blood related, doesn't mean you have to like each other and if you wouldn't be friends with that person if they weren't related, why would you kill yourself trying make them happy. There's a lot of wisdom in that, I think. I'm glad you're in a batter place and I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with it.

    Glad you got away and had some fun too!

    xo,
    rue

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    1. Hi Rue, your mother is a very wise woman. It was nice to get away and have some closure too. Life is looking much brighter now. Be blessed!

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  8. Love the new header photo!
    SJ

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  9. I am glad you are doing better. I will never understand some people. They will treat total strangers better then they do their own blood relatives. You are so much better off moving on without them . It will hurt for a while but they would cause you constant pain otherwise.

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  10. Hi, Debbie: I enjoy your blog and am glad that you're in a better place now,physically and emotionally. I saw this article today and thought of you and your fibro struggle.I wasn't sure if you had heard of LDN or not. I have autoimmune thyroid disease, so it was discussed in a FB group I belong to, but I am mostly non-symptomatic, so never checked into getting it.
    I was going to post a link, but it was ridiculously long, so just google Peoples Pharmacy and check out the latest newsletter if you would be interested in reading about this. Have a good week!

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    1. Thank you Carol and I will check that out. Be blessed~

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  11. My mom has a couple of sisters that are pretty hard to handle. I wish she lived far from them but she insists in being in the same town. Family can be a problem. Glad you got a vacation and glad you are feeling better.

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    1. Sorry your mom has to deal with that. I hope you have a great weekend my friend!

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