Deleted...and Thank You All

  I deleted my last post after reading all the wonderful advice and your experiences that you shared with me.  Some of them were so personal and heartbreaking.  I just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug.  I wanted so badly to protect you from ever feeling that kind of pain again, pain that I know so well.  I want you to know that I took everything you all said to heart and I shared it with my husband and thought about it.   I so appreciate the time you all took to respond.  

  I decided to delete the post for several reasons.  The first being that there is a minor child caught in the middle of all this mess and we love them with all our hearts.  This has been extremely hard on them and through no fault of their own, they have also become a casualty of all the nastiness.  The person that has caused the mess is one of their parents.  I want to protect this precious child to the best of my ability.  

  The second reason is that I do not want this blog to become a place of deep pain for me.  This situation is one of the most gut wrenching things that my family and I have continued to go through for years now.  It is wearing me down and taking me to places that I do not want to go again.  I want to focus on the good for the most part because that is how I try to live my life.  I realize that life has it's ups and downs, but this situation goes way beyond that. It's not healthy for me to continue down this toxic path that keeps getting worse.  

  The third reason is that I need to take care of my husband, my kids, my grandkids and myself.  I need to focus on our family (and thank you to all of you who pointed that out, sometimes I need to be reminded of things that I know in my heart, but my mind starts drowning in the toxic sludge) and friends and the people who want us in their lives.  These are the people who I need to give my time, love and attention to.  I don't want to waste precious energy and risk my health worrying about this ongoing and further decaying mess.  I want to be happy and spend time with people with whom I have mutual love and respect.

   Today I spent the majority of the day with my sweet Heather (DIL) and my grandboys.  We laughed, shared hugs and smiles, talked about what was important to us and played.  I watched in wonder as my grandsons played and seemed to be growing up right before my eyes.  My oldest grandson Bradley, who is 4 is reading now.  He has an excellent teacher in his mommy who has been working with him.  Isaiah, our 3 year old, is asking more and more questions about how things work and is always wanting to build something.  Today he and I built a barn together with Legos to house some of his toy animals.  My son Chris came home after a long day to find his sons and I playing in their front yard.  He made the comment that Isaiah no longer had the "baby" look but was now a little boy.  It made me take a second look at Isaiah, through my son's eyes.  I realized in that moment how quickly the boys were both changing and growing and how I want to be present in each and every moment with them and take it all in.  I want to remember how Bradley woke up from his nap and sleepily cuddled up with me while Isaiah and I worked on building the barn. I want to remember the look of delight on Isaiah's face when he jumped into the cooler that was filled with water so he and Bradley could fill their water guns up in it.  I never want to forget watching Heather share ice cream cones with the boys and their smiling faces.  These, and other moments spent with my husband, children, grandkids, and the rest of my amazing family and friends are what make my life so rich and meaningful.  My energy is limited so I want to spend it wisely.

   So thank you again to all that reached out, shared, and gave me good and sound advice.  I appreciate you all so much and I thank you for helping me put my focus back where it needs to be and to try not to dwell on the situation in which we have no say or control over.  Be blessed and again....thank you!