Thursday, January 11, 2018

Keeping It Real

  



   I'm sitting here in jammies at 6 p.m. typing up this post on a very wet and cold evening.  Now I know that this does not sound like anything unusual right, but here is the catch...these are the same pajamas that I put on last night and still have not gotten out of today.  Let's just delve in a little deeper.  I came home from our Heather's grandmother's funeral on Monday afternoon, got changed and have been in pajamas daily (well except for a brief time at 1 in the morning when I actually got dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt to run some things down to the library drop box and rummage through the recycling bin at the post office for coupons because Jeff forgot to drop the stuff off at the library on his way out of town for work).  I do shower and change my pajamas daily...usually at night. 

   I had planned on actually getting dressed in non pajama related clothing this week.  I even laid out a complete outfit Monday night on the guest bathroom countertop so I could shower and then get dressed in there without disturbing my hubby the following morning.  It is still sitting there this Thursday night taunting me.  I guess I could use the excuse that I was washing my bras and letting them dry (but I think that 4 days of "drying" was even a bit of a reach for me).  I could use the excuse that I am still recovering from that cold (yes, that one sounds plausible), or I could just be totally transparent and real and tell you the real reason (or reasons). I have been struggling, troubled and depressed for a good part of the week, although today was a much better day moodwise. 

   It started Monday when I saw some of the people that I love most in the world hurting because when they needed their friends and their church family the most, none of them (with the exception of the pastor) showed up at the funeral of their loved one.  There were just a small handful of family members present.  Oh how I ached for them all.  These hurting people are the same ones that are there for their friends, volunteer at their church, give back to their community and go out of the way to help others in their time of need.  I could clearly see the hurt in their eyes while we waited to see if any of their friends were going to show up.  I tried to put my feelings down into words so many times this week after this happened, but my words were just too filled with anger so I kept deleting my drafts.  I did not want to add to the pain that they were already going through.

   The weather and these gray days really do affect my mood.  It brings on anxiety and depression. Now on a beautiful clear and sunny winter day I am usually filled with joy, but days on end  of rain/snow mix tend to get me down.  Add to that feeling like I am trapped at home because everyone around me seems to be getting sick with the flu or strep throat (which I have to avoid getting with my history of rheumatic fever and therefore I need to not be around most people and risk getting sick).  Also add to that still dealing with the tail end of this cold (at least I hope it is the tail end of it), itchy inner ears and fibro flares along with little sleep and well...it's a recipe for being an emotional mess this week.  

   Today was a better day though.  I watched a squirrel eat a seed pod in the shelter of the big pine tree while the snow swirled around him.  I took great delight in finally seeing what had Doofy all up in arms when I spotted a family of quail in our backyard weaving their way in and out of our chain link fence. Our son Josh SKYPEd with Jeff and I and it was so good to actually be able to see him while talking to him.  He usually just calls on the phone while on his way to work since he is so busy (yes, he has his phone synced with his truck so he can talk to us hands free and concentrate on the road but will get off it the traffic is really bad).  He had some good and encouraging news to tell us which made me so happy and took a huge burden off my heart.  😊  And finally, the weekend is coming and I am feeling like I will be ok to go and spend time with my youngest grandson on Saturday.  It has been far too long since I had some time with him (since Christmas) and I am missing him terribly!  I did get to spend time with my oldest two grandsons on Monday and that honestly made a very hard day better.  Any time spent with those three little loves of mine is something that I treasure.

   So yes, it has been a rough week, but it is looking up.  I am going to go and take a shower now and get into yet another pair of jammies, but just because it is getting closer to bed time.  The plan is to actually get up tomorrow morning and get dressed in those clothes that are still laying out on the counter for me.  If it is not raining or icy, I want to go for a walk, even though I know it will have to be a short one since I can't go very far at the moment.  I need to make two loaves of fresh bread so we have some for the weekend and for next week also.  Wish me luck please.

   Be blessed!

   

   

 

 

22 comments:

  1. Hmmm does being in your pj's hurt anyone or cause harm? I think the answer to that is NO. Does being in your pj's help you when you are unwell? The answer to that is YES. So feeling guilty about being in your pj's so much is simply silly. STOP IT!!!! Sending you a big sweaty hug from this part of the world.

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    1. Thank you Jane. :) Praying that you and Bluey are doing well!

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  2. Hello...
    And I agree with Jane!
    You should be comfortable...and if fresh jammies make you feel comfortable, then you should wear them!
    I often shower and put on fresh jammies on cold winter days.
    Hugs for your anxiety.
    I know how that is.
    Have a cozy weekend. : )

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    1. Thanks Billie Jo and I know you can relate to the anxiety issues.

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  3. Well.....all I can say is that I'm a bit jealous. Of course, not of the down days, or the feelings of sadness...but the ability to wear your pj's:). I'm not in a place in my life where I can do that, yet. CAN YOU IMAGINE the look on Jake's face if I appeared in my pj's:!!! Or, the comments Michaela would make? I never have a day where I don't have to be around people, between homeschool, and working with the kids. So.....next plan....I simply wear knit pants every single day, with comfy t-shirts. I sometimes am able to find some with cute designs on them, but many are plain. They are very comfortable. I have sweatshirts I wear whenever I'm cold. I do have nice things I wear when I want to, especially on Sundays. Even those clothes tend to be very comfy, such as knit skirts, sweaters, low shoes or boots, etc. I simply cannot stand anything tight, scratchy, itchy, rough, etc. (I'm teased at times for being so sensory, as that is a huge issue of my autistic niece, and I'm almost as bad as she is in that regard--so she teases me) So, if for you, you call them pj's....what's the difference? For me, it's having clean things, but comfy. It probably does you good to change into fresh ones after showering each day.....no matter what you call it:). You could call it "loungewear."

    I'm sorry about the funeral and how people let the family down. I have been in places in my life where people did not behave well, and I understand the feelings that come along with it. During a death, feelings are especially raw. Hopefully, things will get better. The memories of the Grandma, and the fact that she is with Jesus in Heaven.....those are 2 positive things to focus on.

    Also, as I know all too well, from personal experience, people disappoint. God does not. People let us down. Jesus does not. If I didn't really believe that, I would have not gotten through the past few years very well. And, even with those assurances, that I really believe, things haven't been easy. My feelings still come up, and I feel sad, mad, furious, upset, you name it.....But God is faithful. He brings a person into my life that ministers to me. He blesses me with a wonderful husband who encourages me. He puts a gorgeous flower in front of my face. He shows me a verse in Psalms that speaks to me. He leads me to an uplifting book. He puts a child in my life that cannot do anything but make me smile. He brings a new friend from across the ocean who wants to cook me exotic food and come visit me and make me coffee (which I never, ever drink unless it's from her because it's a cup of love.). He teaches me to count and rejoice in each and every blessing He brings to me, and it pushes out the mad, the upset, and the yuck. They are not gone. They are just bearable.

    Hang in there, my friend. You can get through this. I know.

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    1. Becky, I have the perfect solution for you...you, Jake and Michaela should have a pajama day! I also love your idea of calling it loungewear, which reminds me, I do have some actual loungewear. ;)

      Thank you also for your kind and wise words about how people will let you down but God never does and He brings beauty and job into our lives.

      Be blessed and have a great weekend!

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    2. What a great plan! After all, they LOVE their pj's and wear them any time they can. However, they are creatures of routine, and I probably am not allowed to wear mine, because it's not my norm:) And, we must all do what we normally do, after all!

      Have a great weekend!

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  4. So sorry that you are feeling so down. Better days are ahead that is for sure.
    This is such a dreary time of year and affects so many people. Do what you need to do for yourself and don't worry a bit what anyone thinks.
    Take care my friend.

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    1. Thanks Cheryl, and yes, it really does take it's toll on me. I wanted so badly to take a walk today but the weather is cold, gray and wet again...thus I am still in my jammies again despite my plans to actually get into non jammie clothings today.

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  5. Had the same week..PJ's and all. Hugs! We can make it.

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    1. (((((HUGS)))) back to you my friend.

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  6. I'm all about some pj's... I mainly wear sweat pants, but they are as close to pj's as you can get. There's no need in being uncomfortable at home! I'm sorry about the lack of caring and concern from others for the funeral. I have noticed when funerals are held on a working day, the attendance is usually low. I never really thought about how important attendance is, until my own mom died. I was overwhelmed with the love and support that was given to our family and I vowed to be that person for others. I have failed already, but I have done better too. I hope I never forget how their presence made me feel.

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    1. ((((((HUGS))))) Penny. In this day and age, especially with Facebook, it is so easy to say "I'm here for you", "So sorry for you loss", and even "Hugs" and then just move on and forget about it even if you live right there near that person that is hurting. Maybe they need that hug in person, maybe they need to see your face and feel your support, maybe they need a phone call to actually hear your voice...something. When my hanai sister's father died, I dropped everything to be there for her, her girls, her mom and her sister and nephew. So did my my boys, one even driving over from Montana thee minute he got off the plane there so he could be home to help. We helped plan the funeral, took them food, ran around helping pick out the flowers, meeting with the funeral director, shared hugs, stories and tears. We knew we would not be able to be there for the service since we had already planned a trip out of town so we did what we could before hand. They understood and appreciated having us there to help them get everything taken care of beforehand and to just love on them. I remember my friends being there for me when my grandmother died and I was an ocean away from her and could not get home. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, drove straight through from Reno, NV to Moscow, ID when I called to tell him that she had died. He showed up at my house at 2 in the morning just to hold me while I cried.

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  7. Hey, if I didn't run a business I might never get dressed! I feel so bad about your friends. I hope they find comfort in the Savior.

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    1. Thank you...they are actually my family. Heather is my DIL and it was her grandmother that passed away. We are very close to Heather's mother and her aunt and uncle also. Her mother and aunt are some of my closest friends.

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  8. I'm so sorry. I found a lot of encouragement from what Becky wrote in her comment.
    I wrote more in an email.
    SJ

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    1. Hi SJ, I did too. I have not checked emails for a couple of days but will go and check that now. :)

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  9. BIG HUG!!!!
    Get up Debbie dear.
    Get dressed Debbie dear.
    Get out of the house Debbie dear.
    You will feel much better.
    Take my word for it.
    I find being cooped up too long makes me
    feel down. You have plenty of reasons to
    feel down, but great reasons to pull out
    of it. Enjoy your grandbaby. Hugs hugs hugs,
    Laura of Harvest Lane Cottage

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    1. You always make me smile Laura. I would so love to get up and get out of the house but between the weather and the flu and strep throat going around, I have pretty much been housebound since Monday (except for that very early morning trip to the library and post office when I would not run into anyone. With my history of Rheumatic Fever, I am not supposed to be around anyone with Strep Throat at all.

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  10. Debbie, I am so sorry you have been feeling down this past week. I hope you are feeling much better, now. Being stuck in the house for extended periods of time can be very hard. I know, because I really couldn't go anywhere in public when I was having my treatments for similar reasons - I couldn't afford to catch any illnesses while my immunity was low. All I can say to you is, let it go. Let go of the hurt and the anger. It is not hurting and harming anyone else but you. Take a deep breath, let it out, and with it, all the pain and hurt. (((HUGS)))

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    1. YOu are very wise my friend. I was able to let the anger go over the weekend. I will admit to still being very disillusioned with certain people though. I was able to get out of the house yesterday for a bit and Jeff even took me out to lunch at one of our favorite places. It was just starting to get busy midway through our meal. I had forgotten it was Sunday and the church crowd would be coming in. We had a really nice visit with the owner of the place, whom we have known for 25+ years now. She is such a sweet lady. :)

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