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| My MIL's favorite flower. |
A dear friend lost her mother in law about 2 weeks ago. I knew that her mother in law had been having health struggles for the last few years and that they had recently gotten worse. Her memory had been stolen from her by such a cruel disease and her care become more and more intense. Her mother in law passed away having had the chance to see her children together again and being able to have them hold her hand, kiss her cheek, and hear them tell her that they loved her. I am so thankful that they had that special time...it was a wonderful gift.
As I looked at the pictures my friend shared of her husband and his sister together with their mother, I thought about what a comfort it must have been to all of them to be able to share just being together and being there for one another. In those last precious days, my friend's husband and his sister had the privilege of being able to be there for their dying mother.
With the situation with my husband's family having gotten so much worse, I am afraid that my husband will not have the privilege of being there for his parents when it is their time to go home to God. His parents will not be able to gaze upon all of their children together in one room, something that my mother in law wants more than anything. As my husband's parents health declines, he has been totally shut out due to no fault of his own. In some ways it feels like a "death" already. He is hurting deeply and is mourning the loss of the relationship with his parents in particular. After what his siblings have put him through, he no longer even wants a relationship with them...there is no coming back from the devastation they have caused.
My parents came for a visit over the weekend. They love and adore my husband, and he them. They have always stood by him, appreciated him for the wonderful man that he is, made sure that he knows just how much he means to them and how very loved and cherished he is. As my parents left to head home, my husband thanked them for their love, support and for always being there for him. My mother hugged him tight and told him that they love him and they always will. I am so grateful for that and for the unconditional love they share. He takes great comfort in knowing that he is part of the family and has been since day one. But his heart still aches because while my side of the family envelopes him in love, part of his rejects him and that is just so hurtful to a man who has always been there for all of those who have turned their backs and shut him out him.
May anyone reading this heed this lesson...hug your parents extra tight and spend time with them if they are still with you if it is at all possible. Try to put differences aside and just be there for them. Cherish those moments and store them up in your heart and memory. All too soon you may not have the privilege of being able to do so again.
It's sad, but I could make a bet that it's more common than people think that families are not all united and happy. Both my parents have passed and their last days never were as warm and fuzzy as people make it out to be. As a matter of fact, it was more important to my mother to watch a baseball game than it was to tell her daughters that she loved them and spend time with them. Although she did tell her cleaning lady that. Just remember people do not become loving and caring upon learning of their imminent death. If your in-laws are not convicted enough to stand up to their children and allow your visits now, I wouldn't expect it later. Life has many pitfalls, you've done your best, now you'll have to learn to let it go. Don't let anyone steal your joy.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Jane
Oh Jane, I am so sorry that you experienced that with your mother. My heart goes out to you my friend. ((((((HUGS))))) Sadly I have accepted that my husband will not have that time with his parents and it breaks my heart. I am just so thankful that he and I share a close relationship with my parents and that we are all there for one another.
DeleteBe blessed my friend.
Debbie, I am so sorry your husband is having to go through what he is going through with his family. At least his parents know that he's always been there for them and he's not the one who caused the gulf between them.
ReplyDeleteYou are right Bless, they do know that. In some ways, that is what has hurt him the most.
DeleteDebbie I am so sorry your husband is going through this. Reassure him that he will be face to face with them again in eternity.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had such a loving relationship with my mom. She adored him and he her. He and his mom not so much. His mom is not in great health, but she has always been a huge control person on her whole family. He says he will not miss her - but will always miss my mom.
God be with your husband and you. He has your love and he will someday be back with his parents.
HUGS
Thank you Cheryl and I am so glad that your husband and your mom shared such a loving relationship. It sounds like your mother was an amazingly loving woman. I will remind him that he will see his parents again one day in heaven. Thank you my friend. :)
DeleteI've been reading your blog for awhile now and love it! I'm curious though...what happened between your husband and his family? Was it addressed here on the blog so I can play catch-up?
ReplyDeleteHi Mamabeanof4, yes, I have sadly talked about it before. :( I'll give your the quick and condensed version to get you caught up. My husband has 2 siblings. Both of them do not play well with others and are only concerned about what they want and what they can get. They do not care who they hurt, family or not, to achieve that goal. If someone figures out who they really are behind the mask, than that person is a threat that must be gotten rid of. Unfortunately they leave a path of hurt and destruction behind them and they have destroyed relationships within our family while causing huge amounts of pain to people, something that one of them admits enjoying doing. The other can't stand having to share the attention of their parents with anyone, my husband, my children, myself, their aunt, my grandchildren, and other family members as well. This sibling lives with my husbands parents and has done everything they can to destroy our relationship with them by lying, throwing tantrums and bullying to the point where if our names are even mentioned, then a huge fit will be thrown by that sibling greatly upsetting my MIL.
DeleteMy husband's parents are getting on in age and having health issues and we have always been supportive of what they want, even if it means moving out of the family home where they will be safer and get better care. My MIL mentioned wanting to do that about 5 years ago and we supported her in that and started looking into it with her. The sibling that lives with them took great offense to that because it meant that they would have to move out with their family and pay their own way in life. So that sibling declared war upon us...the other sibling had already cut us out of their lives when my husband stood up for our family and set healthy and firm boundaries about what behavior would not be tolerated around our young children at the time. We have been lied about, our now children have been called by this person to tell them that I am a horrible person and that they want me gone, and in the latest installment of craziness, after cutting off contact with us, started screaming at my husband in the emergency room waiting room telling him that he was not her brother and that he was dead to her, all because she is jealous of his relationship with me and had a fit when she said "you always support her" to which he replied "And I always will, she is my wife".
Part 2:
DeleteMy husband and I have been married for 31 1/2 years now and for most of our married life, his siblings have tried to come between us and destroy our marriage and family. My husband was horribly bullied as a child by his siblings and as he grew and became an adult and married me, he learned to stick up for himself, something he was afraid to do as a child for fear of being beat up by one in particular. The other would just lie and get him in trouble. His siblings did not like seeing their brother get healthy, be happily married and having kids who adored him. So they made me the target of their hatred for years. During all those years, we were there for both of the siblings through hell and high water and they would be nice to us when they needed something from us and then go back to being ugly again. We would try to forgive and move forward, for the sake of the family. Something you need to understand is that my husband is a very caring, kind, loving and gentle man. He was very close to his mother and I became very close to both his parents when I married into the family. That was met with great jealousy from the siblings and remains so to this day. The siblings do not want us in their parents lives because we do put the needs and safety of my husband's parents first. They see that as a threat to their "way of life" so to speak. In the end it all comes down to this...they want all the attention, want to play the martyr (to get more attention) and want all the "stuff". Us, we could care less about the "stuff" and just want to make sure that my husband's parents are safe and happy. Ironically, it is because of this that we are the ones that my husband's parents have now cut out...because we are the healthy ones who have a strong marriage, a great relationship with our now grown kids, grandkids, cousins, and other relatives on my husband's side of the family (with the exception of those his siblings have totally destroyed) and share a close bond with all the relatives on my side of the family. Maybe they finally see the truth that the other 2 have burned so many bridges that there are not many people left in their lives who love them and they feel bad for them. All I know is that my husband is hurting, as are my kids and grandkids and that I can't play these games anymore and I won't. I still love my mother in law and father in law and always will...they have become victims too.
This is so beautifully written. It touched my heart. I am also praying for your husband that the situation will get resolved before it is too late. I feel his pain.
ReplyDeleteThank you...I am praying for that too but am not holding my breath. It is what it is, but that does not make it any easier does it. Be blessed my friend.
DeleteSuch a well written and heartfelt post. Thanks. And timely for me. I was just thinking about my Dad. He passed away almost nineteen years ago. And my mom had passed long before him. And, yes, it is so final. Some of my peers still have a parent or both parents alive. Some treasure the time they have, others not so much. I feel sorry for the ones who see their parents as burdens.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for the loss your husband has experienced with his siblings and parents. SJ
SJ, I am so sorry that you lost your parents so young. (((((HUGS))))) my friend.
DeleteWow, Debbie, such an emotionally destructive situation that you are in, and there seems to be no end in sight, except just to continue to love and set necessary boundaries as you can. My heart goes out to you, that such pain has been caused to your family by your husband's siblings who never learned discipline and the value of hard work. Sometimes we never get to understand these things here on earth, but thankfully you and your husband have each other and a strong family unit. Many hugs to you dear friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you...I really appreciate that. We are also blessed to have close relationships with both our daughter inlaws family members also. In fact we celebrate most holidays together with our Heather's family and our Rachel's sister comes up for Christmas too! It's wonderful to have them all in our lives and to have formed such loving bonds. I love that our family has grown so much with all these amazing people in it. :)
DeleteI'm so sorry, sweet friend - big hugs xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you Deborah for the hugs...I really appreciate it.
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