Just Some Late Night/Early Morning Ramblings

   

A screenshot of the peaceful video I was listening to of calming music on Youtube.  It is a bit off kilter, just like I am feeling at the moment.

   I've had a rough week both physically and emotionally.  I've been working through some things that resurfaced years after I had them safely tucked away in my mind and thought that these were some things that great progress had been made on in a certain relationship.  It's a strange thing how people can revert back to old patterns of behavior, even if they are destructive and certainly unhealthy, after having worked so hard to move past them and change.

   Stress plays a huge part in Fibromyalgia along with weather changes, overdoing things, lack of sleep, and so many other factors.  Coming off a very hectic time with our Josh and Lauren's wedding (which was beautiful and something I will treasure always) and meeting so many new people and being so social left me exhausted.  I was trying so hard to make sure that everyone felt loved, welcomed and included in everything and trying to put out "fires" before they arose.  In the process, I forgot to take care of myself when I really should have but I did not want to miss out on a single moment with family and friends that had traveled so far to share in this special time.

   I made it about a week after coming home before the collapse came.  I think the adrenalin was still going strong and I also had my hanai sister still in town visiting during that time and was trying to get my house back into order after being gone.  I hit my "Wall" and I hit it hard.  Walking became difficult most of the time and I felt my spine compressing when I took Caesar for a short walk around the block.  It seemed that any time I exerted myself in any way, I'd end up having to go to bed or to my recliner and I'd either be in tears or fighting to keep them at bay.  There was not a single part of my body that did not hurt, including the hair follicles on top of my head.

   My emotions got the best of me too.  I tried to stay upbeat and positive, but there were times of deep despair.  I am thankful for the medications that my doctor has me on to help with this or I would have been a total basket case.  Counseling has also helped me cope better that I did previously and for that I can say that I am proud of myself for learning and implementing the techniques that I was taught.

   I will admit that it has all gotten to be a bit too much at times and the pain has become overwhelming to the point of me wanting to ask my husband to just take me to the hospital so I could get some relief.  But I know deep down inside that would not be a good choice for me since I do build up tolerances to medications rather quickly and my doctor and I have agreed that we have to save the few pain meds that might still work for me to use in case of emergencies.

   After all these years and seeing this thing progress in me, my family is very aware that there are times that I honestly cannot do certain things.  We went over to help butcher a deer that Heather got hunting and that they are giving all the meat from to us.  Heather took one look at me, got me a chair and had me sit and rest.  She set me up where I could still be a part of the conversation and also watch my oldest grandson Bradley entertain me with all his cool tricks on his skateboard.  She, my son Chris, grandson Isaiah, and Jeff all worked on the deer and had it all trimmed out and butchered within a little over an hour.  Isaiah, at 6 years old, has some amazing knife skills since he spends a lot of his time helping Heather cook.  I think we have a future chef on our hands there! 

   It is now 1:45 in the morning and I am exhausted but still cannot sleep.  I feel cold and ache all over, and no, it is not the virus going around, this is normal for me when I am in a flare. I've got soothing and calming music on in the background, had some Gatorade because I felt dehydrated, and watched some calming videos a bit earlier to help slow down my overactive mind and nervous system.  I'm going to try to head to bed here again soon and see if I can get some sleep.  Praying that tomorrow will be a better and less painful day.