It is no secret that I do not sleep well at all. It has gotten to the point where I am not falling asleep until Jeff gets home around 5:30ish in the morning now. Even then, my dreams are strange and at times very scary. I started thinking about it and really taking a good look at what was going on in my dreams and realized that it is all Dr. Phil's fault. This is said tongue in cheek, but there is a grain of truth to it.
Since I don't sleep at night, I have been watching Dr. Phil on YouTube and boy is it bringing up all kinds of issues for me. A lot of his shows revolve around child abuse and sexual abuse and exploitation. Having been a victim of child molestation myself, which led to all kinds of maladaptive behaviors, I can relate to so many of his guests. It also takes me down trails in my mind that I do not want to go down again.
Yes, I have been in counseling for a lot of this, but there are still some "doors" that remain locked and closed because I am not strong enough to deal with them in my waking hours. It seems those doors are opened at night in my dreams though and I wake up with full on panic attacks.
Some door should remain closed. There is no need to open them and go through the horrific pain again. I have blocked many of those memories for good reason. I have worked hard to come to the point where I am able to get myself through panic attacks and be a more possitive person on a regular basis. The last thing I need is for me to spiral down that big black drain of depression again.
So no more Dr. Phil for me. I just can't deal with it right now. With the news so focused on the horrible sexual explotation of children by Jeffrey Epstien and his cronies, it is more than I can handle. My heart aches for all the victims and I hope and pray that every single person involved in the abuse is jailed for life! Yes, I feel very strongly about all of this because what I went through is just a tiny fraction of what they went through and I live with the damage done to me every single day of my life. I cannot even imagine how those victims are even able to function. Please keep them all in your prayers and that justice is served for them...they deserve at least that.
Embarking on and embracing this next chapter of my life where I start the great adventure of becoming a grandmother.
I agree - no more Dr. Phil for you. We just have to stay away from things that cause us discomfort. There are so many things that I can not watch now that I am alone. I can't watch shows I used to watch with my husband or hear certain songs.
ReplyDeleteI have been spending my time watching some mindless TV shows when I need to fall asleep.
((((((HUGS)))))) Cheryl. Praying for you my friend.
DeleteThis is why I can't watch or read books about the Jewish labor camps. Too close to home. I get really depressed. So I just avoid things I know will upset me like that. There is enough in the world to upset us, why bring in more?
ReplyDeleteon a medical aside, crazy vivid dreams and nightmares can be a result of low blood sugar. I know you suffer with many medical issues. I am in no way undermining your past history and having to deal with a lot of bad things (I can't fathom how you cope but I admire your inner strength and your amazing supportive immediate family). I hope the bad dreams go away and allow you to get restful, restorative sleep. Take Care, Barb
ReplyDeleteThank you Barb for that information. I did not realize there was a connection there. I do usually eat something high protein, like cottage cheese or yogurt, about an hour before I go to bed, but some nights I forget to do that.
DeleteI agree, Debbie; no more Dr. Phil for you! :) (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteIt was past 4:30 a.m. when I went to sleep, last night (and the night before and the night before that!) I don't watch TV though, when I can't sleep. I just lie there and meditate and eventually, I fall asleep. I do loving-kindness meditation - which starts with yourself and then, moves out in ever widening circles, my child, family members, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, community, etc.
HI BLess, I'm sorry you are having trouble sleeping also. I love your idea about the loving-kindness meditations. I am going to try that tonight. :)
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