Monday, August 21, 2017

Things I Wish People Would Realize About Living With a Chronic Pain and Ilnesses

 




   



   I had to cancel out on plans again recently to go and see some friends that were in from out of town and were playing at a music festival.  I really wanted to go and had planned to.  Up until the hour before we had to leave to get there, I was praying and that I would feel better and be up to it...sadly, I wasn't. 😔  This is the second time I have not been able to go and see them due to my health.  It was a scorching hot day and my body does not react well to heat at all.  I was nauseous and in pain...not a good combination.

   We attended a graduation party in May and it took everything I had to go to it.  I again was in pain and had to shuffle my way across the floor just to go and see our dear friend who the party was for.  After that I sat down and stayed in that chair for the rest of the time.  I got strange looks when my hubby made up a plate of food for me and I snapped at another friend when he started poking my side to get my attention.  It hurt!  I explained to him why I snapped and why I was hurting and then apologized again a few days later.  I felt awful for snapping at him because he is a really sweet person and was just trying to be funny.

   I've had to cancel out on work numerous times.  This is one of the reasons that I can no longer substitute teach.  Between the stress of dealing with some very rude and unruly students (most of the kids are great, but there are those that are not and make teaching very difficult) and CFS and Fibro flares and crashes, I just could no longer do it.  Even with my working with the MOPS program now, I have had to cancel out a few times and am very blessed that they do understand my health issues.

   There have been family members and now former friends who have called me a liar and said I was making this up to get attention or said that I am lazy and taking advantage of my husband.  I went through years of doctor's appointments with no real answers as to what was going on with me and was told there was nothing they could do to help me.  I kept getting sicker and sicker and had all those other illnesses that I and my doctors did not realize were all part of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.  I finally got the CFS diagnosis and later the Fibromyalgia diagnosis.  Even with the diagnosis, there are still people who think I am faking it or at the very least, don't realize how bad things really are and don't understand why I can't hold a regular job and have to cancel plans.

   Here are a few things I wish they would realize about people like me who live with various debilitating and life altering illnesses.

~I really wish I was healthy!  It is frustrating to go from doctor to doctor, have multiple tests run and be told they can't figure out what is wrong for years and years.  There are many other illnesses that come under the "umbrella" of the diseases that I have too.  I never know when my stomach is going to rebel because I have eaten something that causes me distress and I have severe stomach cramps and have to be near a bathroom for hours on end. I get dizzy easily.  I have brain fog that is so frustrating that I cry because I cannot find the words that I want to say.  
~I hurt every single day!  There is not a moment I am pain free, even when taking strong pain meds after surgery.  The pain is always there.  Some days it is less intense and I am able to get things done and other days, getting out of bed and even shuffling down the hall is a major accomplishment.  It feels like the worst flu ever and there is no escape from it.
~Having to tell my grandkids that Grammie is hurting and that I can't even share big bear hugs with them some days kills me inside.  I never want them to think they have hurt me or be afraid to hug me, but that is my reality and unfortunately their's also.  I also want to be able to have the little boys spend the night here more often, but I just don't have the energy to keep up with them and that breaks my heart.  Just the slightest touch can hurt.  Go ahead and touch your arm, even lightly...does that hurt you or do you just feel a little pressure?  For me, that light touch it can feel like I have been punched hard.  Today is one of those days.
~I want to work!  Having to give up teaching was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  I love teaching and it is what God designed me to do.  I miss it and the kids so much.  Making that decision to quit due to my health was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  It was not fair to the students though to have a teacher that could not think clearly, had constant headaches, and had very little energy.  They deserve better. 
~I do feel like a burden to my husband at times.  Between me not being able to work much, the costs of my supplements that I have to take just to function, and me not being able to do as much around here anymore and him having to pick up the slack and him having to shoulder the total financial obligations, it is a lot of pressure on him. He also comes with me to almost all my doctor's appointments because I can't remember what supplements or the dosages I am on and he will fill in the blanks when I can't get the words out that I need to say.  He is an amazing man and keeps telling me I am not a burden and that he took our vows of "in sickness and in health" seriously.  He keeps saying that it is his job as my husband to take care of me and that is just what is will continue to do.  I have to say that I am one very blessed woman to have this man as my husband and best friend.  I would be lost without him.
~I have to rely on others to help me more than I would like to.  When we have a big family event, it's all hands on deck.  My kids, hubby, grandkids, cousin, extended family, friends and even my mother, who is in her 70's, pitches in.  My mother is amazing and will cook up a storm and bake tons of cookies for baby showers, weddings, and will come over and help take care of me after surgery.  She also provides a safe and calm place for me to retreat to at her home when my husband and I need a break from the world and a place to heal.  Our Rachel also came and stayed with me after my hysterectomy and we shared so much and learned a lot about each other.  I am forever grateful for that time and for her.  Family gatherings are potluck style which makes life so much easier for all of us.  Big holiday gatherings are shared with Heather's and Rachel's family also and they all understand that I have my limits.  Some of them have seen me during my flares and know that just getting there took everything I had in me.
~There are times when my emotions are all over the place.  I can cry at the drop of a pin for no reason at all.  I get hyper sensitive emotionally at times.  When you have been in pain physically and are emotionally spent too, it is hard to keep it together sometimes.  I have anxiety and panic attacks and am prone to depression.  This comes along with these illnesses too.
~My neck and shoulders feel like the muscles are on fire if I sit at the computer for over 15 minutes or more.  The same thing happens when I am cutting up food, cooking, folding laundry etc..  Bending over to garden causes the muscles in my back to seize up.  My legs will cramp up and I have difficulty walking, I have restless leg syndrome and my legs cramp up almost every night despite the supplements that I take daily (which do help).
~The cartilage between my ribs hurts.  Again, touch your rib cage gently...does that hurt you?  No...well count yourself blessed because it does me.
~I look healthy on the outside so people can't seem to understand and stare at me when I have to use the shopping cart to hold me up and help me walk in the store some days.  I'm sure it is confusing to people who see me often because some days I am fine and can walk around with no problems and other days I look like an old lady who needs her walker and shuffles slowly.  To the people who are stuck behind me in a line, I am sorry that I am not moving fast enough for you...there is no need to huff and puff and roll your eyes at me.  I pray you never have to go through this!  My husband has had to cut my meat for me in a restaurant and put the leftovers in a to go box for me because I don't have the strength in my hands or arms to even do that some days.  You should see the looks I get when that happens.
~Some days I feel like I literally have lead weights hanging all over my body.  Everything feels heavy and it hurts.  Moving hurts, sitting hurts, holding my head up hurts, even laying down hurts.
~Yes, I have gained weight, a lot of weight and  yes, it makes me feel awful about myself.  I most likely eat less than most people and yet I still gain.  The reasons are two fold.  I can't get out and exercise like I used to because it feels like my muscles are tearing when I do (which is exactly what they are doing with Fibromyalgia) and if I overdo it, I pay for it for days on end.  The second reason is that my body is always in "stress mode" so my body holds onto the fat as a way to protect itself.  That is how our bodies were designed, to hold onto fat to protect the organs from harm when under stress.  Now imagine that your body is always in stress mode 24/7.  It wears you out big time and your body refuses to let go of fat and tries to keep adding more to protect you.
~Please don't tell me to get more sleep.  Don't you think I want to and am trying?  CFS and Fibromyalgia both make it very difficult to sleep and yet that is exactly what I need to help heal me. If I have to go and lay down for awhile during the day, please don't think I am being lazy, it's just that my body can't deal with anything else and is crashing.
~I am always looking for things that will help me heal from or at least cope better with these illnesses.  I appreciate when people share things because I feel like we can all learn from each other.  However, please don't get all judgemental and tell me that if I only went on a special diet I would be all better.  I have had people actually tell me that it is my own fault that I am sick because I am not on some special diet. I have tried them and no, they did not work for me.  Everyone's body chemistry is different and what works for one person may not work for the rest.  I'm happy to hear about what has worked for you though because even if it did not work for me, it might work for someone else who reads my blog or someone that I talk to that also has one of more of these illnesses.   Just please don't be all judgemental and try to "blame me" for my illness like it is somehow my fault or that I want to have this in my life.  I don't!
~These illnesses are ones that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  There are no cures and you just have to learn to manage them the best you can.  I don't do the medications because the side effects can be horrible and even deadly.  My body chemistry is such that most of these medications don't help anyway.  Being that it is a lifelong illness, sometimes people forget that I am going to need help at times and that it would be much appreciated.  When someone breaks their leg, has surgery, or has cancer, people are quick to run in with offers of help because they realize that that person and their family really do need and appreciate the help.  That is how we should be.  I so am thankful for the help we got when my husband broke his leg and when I had surgery.  Most of these people heal and go on with their normal and healthy lives and I am so thankful that they do! They deserve our help and prayers for healing in their times of need and I will always try to help in any way that I can also.  People like me don't. We will never be healed  in our lifetime(unless God decides to heal us) and have our healthy lives back.  This is a lifelong "sentence" for us. Some of our friends and even family may not understand this and they may not be able to cope with the changes in our lives and how it affects them either directly or indirectly.  The invitations to events, the wanting to get together for coffee, the calls just to see how we are doing or if we might need them to pick something up for us stop.  I understand that it might be frustrating for them when we can't make something, but we still want to know that we are valued and that you want to include us.  There are times when we can make it, and other times when we can't.  I am thankful for my friends and family who have stuck by me and do try to include me and check on me and offer help.  It means more to me than you or they will ever know.  
~I only have so much energy and have to pick and choose carefully what I can and cannot do not only on a daily basis, but on a weekly basis too.  I can only handle 2 big events per week at this point.  For me that means if I work for a few hours at my MOPS job then I can only do one more big thing that week.  That could be watching my baby grandson Steven while his mommy works, having my older grandboys over or going somewhere with them, spending the morning processing produce from the garden, doing a big shopping and stock up trip or even going to a party of some sort.  I also cannot do these things back to back.  I need to rest a day in between.  I do still need to try and keep up on my regular housework and there are days when I can't even do that because I am on the couch with no energy and in lots of pain from pushing myself too much.  I have to take breaks during the day between tasks too.  If I am doing the laundry, I get the load started and maybe hang out another load of the line, then I need to rest for a bit.  I can then vacuum and maybe do one more thing, and then I have to rest again.  This is my life now and I am learning to pace myself.  There are days when I cannot even do this and as frustrating as that is, I am trying to learn to give myself grace and not beat myself up over it.  There will be those rare days when I can get a lot done, but like I said, they are rare.
~I try to have a positive attitude and be thankful for all that I am blessed with.  If I did not, then I would be a wreck and in a puddle on the floor and go into deep depression.  If I am having a bad day and have a bad attitude, please bare with me and realize that I have reached the limit of my pain threshold  and emotional breaking point at that moment.  People with these kinds of illnesses can all only deal with so much before we break.  Please just listen to me and realize that this too shall pass.  I just need to know that someone cares because that helps me through.
~I have to make running list of what I may need at the grocery store, list of what needs to be done around the house and even what I have gotten done.  I have trouble with my memory at times and I can't rely on myself to remember things from moment to moment.  I can even forget if I have done the watering of the garden so I keep a running list of things and cross off but not erase it on my white board.  This way I can get tasks done and actually see that I did them.  My mother says that is also a part of getting older, and I would have to agree with her there, but it is just exacerbated by my CFS and Fibro Fog.
~It takes me longer to get things done than it used to when I was healthy.  A great example of this is that is has taken me a full 3 hours to do this post.  In the past, I would have been able to get this all typed out much faster.  Of course then my brain worked a lot better and I was not in pain when I typed.   

   On that note, I am going to end this post.  I know there are other things that I would have liked to include but I forgot to write them down so they have escaped this sieve of my mind. 😉 My neck and upper back also feel like they are on fire and I need to go and lay down now for a bit.  Such is my life but again, I am so thankful for the wonderful people in it who are there for me and I could not do it without them.



31 comments:

  1. I understand what you are going through. I have not been diagnosed with fibromyalgia or CFS, but many times during a year's time I will suffer from stretches of days where I feel very similar to what you describe, only not as severely. Last week I felt great and I was so thankful because I was able to spend more time with family activities and seeing my son who was home on leave from the military. This week I am having miserable all over muscle pain. Yesterday I spent apparently too long standing doing some things around the house. All of a sudden my big toe cramped up and tucked itself under the toe next to it, to the point where I couldn't hardly walk to the chair to sit down. I've never had a haywire toe muscle before. After a while it went back to normal, but my other muscles have been aching all week. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow that was just a normal scheduled check up. I guess I will mention this muscle pain to him in case some of my blood chemistry is off. I normally don't really like to talk much to doctors about it anymore because it sometimes feels like it changes the way some doctors have acted toward me in the past when I have talked to them about it.

    I hope you will have some relief from your flareup soon.

    Susie D.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susie,

      I am so very sorry for all that you are going through. Please do talk to your doctor about all that is going on with you and see if he can do a workup to rule either to figure out what it may be and also to rule things out also. It does sound like some of the same symptoms I have. That toe cramp thing happens to me a lot and has for years. It can happen randomly even if I am just sitting down or even laying down in bed. I had one night where it happened on both feet at the same time and I was in excruciating pain and in tears. Sometimes putting firm pressure on your toes will help release the muscles...at least it does for me about 50% of the time. I am so glad you were feeling good while your son was home on leave. I know how very important that is. I am praying I am the same way when my Josh is home next month. Last year I was not doing well physically or emotionally while he was home and I had a complete breakdown. It scared my Josh really badly but he rose to the occasion and showed such compassion for me...it really made me so grateful and proud of the amazing man that my husband and I have raised.

      Be blessed and please know I am praying for you to find some answers and for you to feel better.

      Delete
  2. God bless you sweet lady.
    Gentle hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Cheryl,

      You are so sweet and kind to me and have always been very supportive of me since we first "met" here online. You really do inspire me and have been a great source of information on how to live not only more frugally and mindfully, but also with your down to earth, no nonsense attitude. I really believe the world needs a lot more people like you in it. :)

      Be blessed!

      Delete
  3. Debbie,
    Thank you for posting this.
    It is a reminder to all to be mindful of others, as we have no idea what cross another carries.
    I appreciate the words you shared.
    I suffer with anxiety, and while it is not the physical pain you endure, I too have moments of worry that others simply do not understand.
    Prayers. : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (((((HUGS))))) BIllie Jo,

      I am sorry that you suffer from anxiety. I can relate to you so well there as I do too. Do you get the awful panic attacks also? My doctor gave me something to help with that and I only take the medication when I cannot bring the attack under control on my own or if I am going into a very stressful situation to help calm me. It has really helped knowing that when I reach that point, there is something to help calm my racing heart and mind.

      Be blessed and I hope you have a beautiful day.

      Delete
  4. Oh sweet lady I am praying that you are feeling a little bit better and brighter than when you wrote this. I hope a lovely cold weather change comes over your area to allow you to have some healing time. Much love and cyber, not hurty hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jane. :) The day I wrote this was actually a pretty good day for me and I was in a positive frame of mind. I really wanted to write it when I could think a little more clearly and was not in tears from frustration and really bad pain. The burning in my neck and shoulders and sore fingers are pretty normal for me.

      I am enjoying the cooler mornings here. Today we are supposed to have a high of 97F though and I am not looking forward to that. I do need to run now though...I have a meeting at 9 a.m. for MOPS and then need to do a bit of shopping before heading back home. I am thinking that it will be a recliner and swamp cooler kind of afternoon.

      Be blessed my friend!

      Delete
  5. Thank you so much for sharing. I, too, have both CFS and fibromyalgia. Though I do not have it quite as bad most of the time. I am on disability as I had to stop subbing in schools. I wish my family and friends really understood it and you are blessed to have one that does. I have been called lazy and when I need my handicap tag in a parking lot I have gotten dirty looks. I just pray, like you, that they don't have to endure the pain. We have not found pain meds that work yet. It has been 15 years since my diagnosis. Cyber hugs and I pray you have more good days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ((((((HUGS)))) Trudy and I am so sorry that you are going through this too. There are days when I tell my hubby we should get me a handicapped tag for my car because walking is hard some days. I so understand what you are feeling and going through...my husband's siblings are the opposite of supportive of our family and my illnesses. Praying the find something to help with your (and my) pain soon. I know that today I went to a meeting for MOPS and did some shopping afterwards. I am now hurting big time and am so vlad I pulled something out of the freezer on Sunday to have for dinner tonight. Be blessed.

      Delete
  6. Debbie dear, I truly appreciate the way you laid this all out for your readers. I cannot imagine the pain and fatigue and all that you described. The cancer and its treatment cause some of these types of things, but I do have hope that they are temporary. The long-term pain issues and other issues are harder for me to accept.

    I want you to know that I treasure your kindness and your prayers for me even more now that I have an inkling of what it costs you to write to me.

    You've touched my heart with compassion for you and others who are suffering. My mother had fibromyalgia, and it was so hard not to touch her. I've got some symptoms, but I'm going to avoid giving it a name.

    God bless you dearie!
    Laura of Harvest Lane Cottage

    Father God, CFS and F are ugly, hateful hurtful monstrosities. I ask you for tender mercies and for a miraculous healing touch for my friend Debbie. I ask you to show yourself strong in the battle for her health. You are Jehovah Sabaoth. Lord of Hosts. I ask you to fight this battle for her. Give her back strength, a clear mind, and freedom from pain. I know it looks bleak, but I ask anyway in the name of Jesus the Christ. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My sweet friend Laura,
      I so appreciate you and your prayers for me. In the midst of all you are going through, it blesses me also that you take the time to read, comment and to pray for me. May God continue the healing that he has started in your body and kick that cancer out!

      Delete
  7. I do feel for you I understand completely, my daughter has CFS and my hubby has Parkinsons. Life is not always easy here. , tempers get frayed when times are bad but we do our best luckily friends and family understand. Please rest when you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Chris. I am sorry that your family is dealing with all of those things too. My grandmother had Parkinson's and so do some dear friends of mine so I understand that too. I am so glad you are surrounded with people who do understand and are so supportive. Be blessed!

      Delete
  8. That's awful, Debbie, you poor thing living in pain all the time. You are truly blessed to have such a wonderful man in your life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Debbie,
      I really am blessed by my hubby and could not do this without him. Have a great day!

      Delete
  9. Thank-you so much for writing this post. Hearing some of my story in what you write is such an encouragement to me.

    Some of the hardest parts for me are when people are put out and feel inconvenienced because of my CFS. I just want to scream at them "and how do you think I feel..".

    Or the people who are offended when I tell them I won't know until the day of the event if I can come. Like for a BBQ or going to lunch. I know I'm just being honest with them about my limitations and they're offended.

    And, you're right. Those of us with 'hidden' disabilities get hostile looks. Like when I went on my recent trip and had wheel chairs arranged for me to get between gates.

    Or the fear that my limited health will actually get worse as time progresses. I have to fight that one all the time.

    Like you, I'm sure, the list could go on and on. And it's truly scary not being able to form a sentence because my brain is all muddled.

    I could use some prayers. My new doctor emailed yesterday that some of my recent labs just came in and he wants to talk with me about them. I have a phone appointment Thursday afternoon. I'm both elated that finally some labs showed something and also a little scared about what it might be.
    Take good care in that recliner. SJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (((((HUGS)))) SJ and you do have my prayers. Please don't borrow trouble about the labs, it may be something that can be "fixed" easily with a change in diet or medication. I also understand everything that you shared as I go through all that too. The other day I was so tempted to get one of those electric scooter shopping carts but was afraid of being judged since they see me on other days, like today, being able to walk around and do the shopping like a normal person.

      Be blessed my friend and let me know what you find out on Thursday.

      Delete
  10. Thank you very much for writing this. My husband has almost constant pain, much milder than you face, and I found your words helped explain his behavior and his words. Your comment about looking normal but being in pain hit the nail on the end, he can look fine but be miserable and unable to walk into a store...or back out. I really am thankful for the information you gave in this writing, especially the details that helped me understand. Thank you again and I will send healing thoughts your way❤️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (((((HUGS)))) Hilogene,

      I feel so humble right now and am touched that this post has helped you understand what you husband is going through. I think it is harder for men to explain in words how they are feeling and so that makes it harder for others to understand it all. I know that is the case with my husband. It's not their fault, it is just how they were raised and I also think how they are wired. ;) I will be praying for both your husband and for you too. I think sometimes people also forget that the pain does not just affect the one who has it, but also those they love. Thank you for your healing thoughts for me also...I really do appreciate it. Be blessed. :)

      Delete
  11. Hope you're having a good day. I'm home and being quiet. Did too much the last few days. So it goes.

    I wanted to make this comment a few posts back but my brain fizzled. Regarding property taxes.
    In my province, there is a 'grant' program for low income individuals that reduces their property tax amount. There's an additional amount for seniors. There is yet a third one for homeowner's who reside in their property.

    In addition, the city where my house was located (Burnaby BC) also has what they call a 'deferment' program for property taxes. Anyone over the age of 55 or disabled can defer all or part of their property taxes every year. When the property is sold, the deferred amount is paid. No interest attaches.
    Or,do what they did in Calif back in the 80s. Pass a law that kept the property taxes the same until the property actually sold. Then, after the sale, a new amount would be assessed based on the sale price.
    You mentioned in the post that you had talked with your mayor about ways to help low income people. Either approach might help.
    Late to the party, but wanted to share.
    SJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI SJ,

      I had never heard of those ideas before but they are great ones. I do know they would never go for it here though because they need all the income they can get not just for our town, but also our schools. We do have additional levies that we vote on for more school funding, parks, roads, etc. and our town is great about trying to support the things that have the greatest benefit. We also have a lot of renters in this town. I wish there was a way to make the taxes more equitable across the board for homeowners and renters since the renters reap the benefits of all that the homeowners pay.

      Be blessed!

      Delete
    2. Tough sell I know for a city/municipality to lower taxes. The CA initiative was put on the ballet by petition if I remember correctly. The 'politicians' then had to live with it.
      About the renters - that's why one of the grants for property taxes is only for people who are actually living in their property. Those who are owners but renting pay more property tax here...at least in theory but there are lots of loopholes.
      SJ

      Delete
  12. Very gentle hugs, Debbie. I am so sorry you are in such pain all the time. I know how frustrating it can get when one has to depend on others to do things that you could do. I wish I lived closer to you so I could come and help you. I wish there was someone who could come and do things for you for a few hours each day. Take care of yourself and do what you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Bless, you are so very sweet to me. I have my food days and my bad days. The pain is always there but on the good days, I do my best to ignore it as much as possible. As crazy as it may sound, since the pain is not as "intense" on my good days, I look forward to that. Does that make any sense at all? It's strange too because I can be having an awful day pain wise, but then later in the day, the pain is not as bad or vice versa. Some days though are just downright horrible and even trying to move any muscles in my body takes major effort and is excruciating. Thankfully I still have more "good days" than bad. ;)

      Delete
  13. I understand COMPLETELY what you are going through. We do look normal and healthy but what our bodies are doing to us is harsh. With Lupus I have terrible insomnia and when I have a flare it really is like having the flu. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, ha, ha. Just do what you can and try not to stress. I know, much easier said than done. XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I so hear you my friend. Praying for you to have the strength you need to get done all you need and for you to get some sleep. Do you ever take anything to help you get to sleep? I know that there are times when I have to because I would just be too exhausted if I did not.

      Delete
  14. Hi Debbie,

    Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know what you go through on a daily basis. My sister has had fibro for as long as I can remember. I feel for the both of you. I was sick for about 4 years and no one could diagnose what I had. Then all of a sudden, it went away. Being in pain throws your whole body and mind off. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry I made you cry. ((((HUGS)))) I'm so glad that your illness went away...what a wonderful blessing and I really am happy for you. :) I will keep your sister in my prayers.

      Delete

Thank you for taking time to comment on my blog posts. I really appreciate it and being able to get to know you through your comments. I hope you have a wonderful day!